Ribbons

3.5

I thought I would be crying when I saw what was inside.

But I didn't.

It's not that I was disappointed or anything, it's just I can't feel anymore.

I've shed too many tears and hurt myself too many times to the point where I am numb.

Everything hurts, but I can't feel anything at all.

Does that even make sense?

Probably not.

The first thing I picked up was a cassette case. Inside was a blank CD, and I was utterly confused on what it was. Then I saw written on the plastic was:

Parker and Jane.

Nervously, I get on my feet and fumble with the CD in my hands.

Inserting it into the CD player, I press play.

I sprawl out on the ground as the sounds begin.

The first song that played was "Robbers" by the 1975.

Weird, that was the first song we ever listened to.

And then it hit me as the next songs kept playing.

These were all the songs we ever listened to together.

Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

The ones where we were silent and just breathed in the lyrics.

It was beautiful, and memories appeared into my head.

Your eyes lighting up with happiness as you listened at the park. The way your voice got really excited when you were expressing your opinion. Every little thing I love about you.

And for a moment I wasn't numb anymore and everything fucking hurt.

While listening to the music, I make my way back to the box.

I'm not numb anymore Jane, I can promise you that.

Because when my hands touched that fucking ribbon, I thought that I felt you. I now know what you mean when you said you felt your moms presence when you held the ribbons because I feel the same with you.

Ironically, it was my favorite ribbon of yours. The one that resembled your eyes.

And my cheeks were wet and I didn't even notice I was crying.

On the bottom of the box, were a stack of crumpled papers.

I hastily picked it up and reading the first words made my stomach turn and more tears fall down my cheeks.

There were multiple pages with different dates.

I began reading your messy handwriting,

11/13/13

Dear Parker,

I think that's your name isn't it? You're in my english class, I don't think you ever notice me. But I notice you. You and your curly hair and your voice that reminds me of chocolate. Wait, that was weird. Whatever you're never going to read this. I want to write to you because you look kind and that's beautiful. You're beautiful Parker, and that's something you don't see everyday.
-Jane

11/24/13

Dear Parker,
I want to thank you Parker. For not laughing at me like everyone else does, or whisper cruel things about me when people know I'm near. You don't look at me like I'm a freak, you look at me like an actual human being. And for that I am eternally grateful.
Thanks,
Jane