Death Bound: Life Support Edition

Generation Still-Born

The year is 2029, and a new, defining generation is upon us.

Disregard the Lost and the Greatest Generations. Both are inconsequential. Both are blips on the timeline of history, relegated to mere precursors. No, the generation that truly matters began during a period of war and economic depression and is now referred to as the Silent "but deadly" Generation.

When the trials of that era ended, a newfound sense of safety spread the nation, which begot new jobs, which begot more spending, which begot more businesses, which begot yet more jobs but with higher wages and thus higher spending, and on and on...

...All thanks to the carnal pleasures of horny soldiers returning to horny wives and engaging in an unprecedented amount of copulating.

Basically, shit got good for the United States, resulting in the Baby Boomer generation.

Next came the often-forgotten Generation Jones... then Generation X... then the millennial Generation Y and then Z. Alpha should have been the generation to come after, but a respiratory disease called Covid-19 came instead and forever changed the world.

Rampant ignorance and stubbornness led to a pandemic unlike anything humanity has ever seen as Covid-19 began spreading between people in close contact. Irrationality grew exponentially. Coughing became a cause for suspicious looks. Sneezing resulted in death stares. Touching suddenly became a no-no, with a penalty of severing the offending hands.

And being Asian? Worst offense of all. The American attention mercilessly shifted from herding illegal immigrants back south to hunting Asians instead. It was common to find enchanted wards hanging around the doors and windows of homes and businesses alike; to smell burning sage; to hear prayers for protection; or to notice entryways lined with salt.

When extra measures were deemed necessary, spikes were mounted with signs written in cat blood warning Asians to keep their distance, thus invoking an unfortunate return to the days of Vladimir the Impaler.

In months, Covid-19 not only killed hundreds of thousands, but it regressed the power of a respectful handshake into mere head nods or waves. Alarm shook the planet awake like the shifting of tectonic plates. Hoarding and panic shopping led to price gouging and unique out-of-stock issues. Shortages of germ-killing agents became a national concern, as too did shortages of toilet paper. The latter of which, resulted in the six-hundred-and-fourteenth commandment: Though shalt not waste tee-pee for thy bunghole.

In fact, punishments for pranks such as tee-peeing became severer than those of rape. Which, due to concerns of spreading the virus through touch, did see a welcoming decrease.

As too did traffic accidents, with vastly reduced travel.

Pollution, with factory shut downs.

And sweat shops, as since their concentrated heat signatures drew the attention of new government technology designed to identify large gatherings for drone-operated airstrikes.

Ka-BOOM!

Now, half of the planet's population has perished, as if a result of some cosmic figure's finger snap. A chunk of it is due to the aforementioned air-strikes, but mostly it's a result of the relentless virus. This extraordinary reduction of people alive to claim social security, led the United States government to repurpose those funds towards Eon Musk's approved bid to replace foyers across America with state-of-the-art decontamination chambers. Unfortunately, the "upper elite" illegally secured said funds and purchased themselves safe passage to his Mar's Colony instead.

*Side Note: Suspiciously, Musk chose to not join them.

3% of the American population can leave home for essential job-related functions, though they wear protective scuba gear modified for land usage. 94% of crime has become domestic. It was hypothesized that mounting weariness within families caused this violence, but a recent study found that increased social media usage has led to 73% of Americans being vain enough to ostracize their own mutated family members who've suffered adverse reactions to failed vaccinations.

Long, drawn-out sentences, such as the previous one, are now the standard, as a method to both showcase and boast about one's lung strength while weeding out those vulnerable to Covid-19.

All is not so dire, though. As expected, social media is the dominant method of interacting. Streaming sites thrive, though social distancing has dictated that all new content be animated. Online gaming is the number one form of competitive sports. In fact, an ex-president, who shall remain anonymous to avoid instant irritation at the sound of his name, recently tweeted:

"Has-been professional athletes who thought themselves too good to celebrate their meaningless championship at the White House, now find themselves taking a backseat to the 'Average Joe'. Boo-Hoo. BTW. CNN still sucks. #FakeNews."

In all fairness, there's truth to that. This year's NBA Finals will take place virtually via NBA 2k30, and a win will further solidify Gamertag, DunkinDeesNuts', inclusion into the Hall of Fame, making him the first ever online player to be inducted.

Porn is no longer frowned upon, and porn stars are the richest in the world, as a result of high demand and hazard pay for their willingness to endanger themselves for our vicarious enjoyment.

So noble. So selfless.

For the rest of us, there is ZOOM, which was once a web-based video conferencing tool that— with the rest of the world— adapted to the changing times and became a video dating tool instead. It's become the premier option to meet singles and/or interact during isolated relationships. Today, couples masturbate to the sight of their partner masturbating, but this—co-masturbation—has led to the adverse effect of a drastic decline in pregnancies, which brings us full circle.

As I said, there's a new generation upon us. Our population may be radically reduced, but the result of us— finally— fucking isolating ourselves PROPERLY has inevitably resulted in our failure to repopulate.

However, we are not yet doomed.

As the Silent Generation ushered in the Baby Boomers, aka the Oopsie Babies, Covid-19 has ushered in its successor as well. You see, despite all, there are some (call them stupid, or call them humanity's saviors) who still refuse to practice social distancing and still mingle, still copulate, and, as a result, still get pregnant, and still have babies.

For this reason, the generation they usher in will henceforth be known as Generation Still-Born.