Death Bound: Life Support Edition

20/20 Vision

When the eye guy said I have 20/20 vision, I said, "Duuude, that means I'm, like, top of my class, riiight? Like, I see better than, um, the other 19 dumbasses?"

He opened his mouth to answer, prob'ly to agree, but then closed it 'cause it was obvious I was right.

He's a smart guy.

Really, though, 'cause I'm keepin' it totally one hundred with you, I always said I was special. But, you know, this is the proof for everyone else. Now the world's gonna know I have powers. Bru, I damn near have X-ray vision, like Superman.

Yeah, me. Neil Zimmer, aka "Mr. Sees Things".

For realz tho, I see all types of shiznit. Unibrows, pimples, food between teeth, which, btw, is why I refuse to crush on Stacy Peppercorn, because— cheerleader or not— she ain't perfect. She has all the above, plus nasty fingernail cubicles.

I'm not a clean freak, I jus' think if you see it, then others can see it, and if others can see it then maybe you should do somethin' about it. Otherwise, you deserrrve to have them talkin' shit about you behind your back. Which, is also why I don't feel guilty for talkin' shit about her.

Well, that and the fact that when I tried to use my powers for, like, the greater good or somethin', she went total diva on me. No lie.

Check it. I pointed out a big ol' white zit on her forehead, but she didn't react like I expected. You know, all grateful and shit.

I said, "Yooo, Stace-Dawg, chill. It's ok. I have 20/20 vision. It's, like, my duty to show less capa... capaa—"

"It's 'capable'," she said, interrupting me, which really made me mad. Like, real mad.

I said, "Stop try'na make me sound like I'm some Alternative Ed flunky, 'cause I—stank you very much— passed Alternative Ed!"

She whipped her hair over her shoulder and said, "What. Everrr. And, just so you know, I have 20/15 vision, sooo go screw yourself, loser."

First, Stacy Peppercorn should be the Alternative Ed Class President, 'cause I can't screw myself. Physically impossible. Besides, that's just not the type of sex-tape I'm into makin', bru.

Second, I don't know why she was so proud about havin' 20/15 vision. I think it means she can see into the past, but that would be, like, dumb, 'cause seein' into the past is a horrible superpower. It's basically the same thing as remembering shit, and everyone can do that.

I think.

Long story short, she got mad and called me a jerk, and her boyfriend, in his fancy Letterman jacket, said, "Sup, homo? You got beef?" and shoved me against a locker and called me a freak.

I said, "Sticks and stones, bitches," and flipped them both the bird. One hand each. That's when he socked me in the eye.

Jokes on him, though. Imighta been too stoned to dodge, but I seen his punch comin' a mile away withmy 20/20 vision.