My breathing quickens as he shoves me into the wall, holding my hands above my head, he starts kissing me and grabbing my butt. Then he grabs my throat and starts choking me as he kisses me.
My heart rate accelerated as he grabbed me towards him, then he spun me around so I was no longer facing the wall and threw me on the bed. I tell myself that he's not trying to hurt me, but my anxiety gets the best of me and I start having a panic attack.
He gets on the bed and towers over me, then he pulls my shorts off and pushes me against the wall. I start to freak out, my heart feeling like it's about to jump out of my chest. I close my eyes as he starts thrusting into me.
I shoot up out of my sleep screaming. "NO." My breathing is heavy, and my heart is racing. I realize that it was only a dream, I slowly start to compose myself.
"Everything ok?" He asks as he walks through the bedroom door.
"Yeah I just had a bad dream." If only it was just a dream and hadn't really happened before. It was like I was re-living the whole thing.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"You know what, I'm just gonna try and go back to sleep." I say as I lay back down.
He lays down next to me, and he quickly falls asleep. I on the other hand lay awake for a while before I'm able to shove it to the back of my mind and close my eyes. I luckily don't have anymore nightmares until I wake back up. Once I get up, I go downstairs and get some water.
"Hey honey." Mark greets me as he gets off the couch.
"Hey."
"You hanging with us tonight?"
"I don't know, maybe." I say as I finish my water and grab a banana for breakfast.
"Sarah?" I hear from upstairs.
"I gotta go." I say with my head down, and I hastily go upstairs.
"What where you doing?" He asks as I enter the room.
"Getting breakfast." I say as I hold up the banana.
"That's it? You know you need to eat-"
"I'm fine, you don't need to lecture me about eating."
"I'm just saying you look skinnier."
"So what if I do?"
"You look like you're 80 pounds."
"I'm one hundred and five pounds, I'm fine."
"At lease you've gained some weight since you've been living here."
"Whatever." I say as I sit down and start to eat the banana.
"You wanna talk about this morning?" He asks.
"No."
"What happened? You had a bad dream, what was it?"
"It was nothing."
"It didn't seem like nothing, I want you to be able to talk to me."
"I just had a panic attack that's all."
"Why?"
"Because I dreamt about you having sex with me."
"Why would you have a panic attack about that? I think sex is a good thing."
"You pushed me into the wall and then threw me on the bed and you started to have sex with me."
"You know I like things rough."
"I tried to get away and you pushed me into the wall, and-"
"Wait, like I forced you to have sex with me?"
I just look at him and do an almost unnoticeable nod.
"Like rape? So I raped you?"
I don't say anything.
"I never raped you, that never happened!"
It happened... it was like I was reliving it.
"Right... It was just a dream." I respond.
"I can't believe you dreamt such a fucked up thing about me. You really must think I'm some kind of asshole or something."
"I can't control what I dream."
"Whatever, I never raped you."
"Ok." We sit in silence for a little while and watch tv, the hours passing by as we sit there.
"Do you want to go on a walk?" I finally ask him.
"I have to go to work later, I don't want to go for a walk." He responds, watching the tv.
"Do you want to go somewhere? Do something? Go downstairs?"
"I just want to relax before work."
"Ok.." I say disappointed. "I'm spending the night at my parents house tomorrow"
"Why?"
"We're gonna go see my brother."
"Ok."
Eventually he gets up, gets a shower and leaves for work. After a while I go downstairs to see what's going on. When I get down there, everyone's in the living room, playing video games, or drinking, or both. I look over at Mark, one of the few true friends I have left. I walk into the living room, and everyone looks at me.
"You wanna get some Taco Bell?" Mark asks when I walk in.
"Taco Bell?"
"Yeah, if you drive us we'll buy your food."
"Sure." I say as they all get up and I grab my keys.
We get in the car so Mark's in the passenger seat, and everyone else squeezes into the back seat. The drive from the apartment to any place to eat was at least 15 minutes.
When we got there, everyone ordered and then it was my turn. I'd never really eaten at Taco Bell much before, I looked at the menu and decided to get a frito burrito and a chicken quesadilla.
I pull up to the window, and they say the total is $48.23. I was shocked, then Mark handed me his card to give them.
"New record!" Someone shouts in the back seat.
"New record for what?" I ask.
"The most we've spent getting fast food."
"Is it my fault? I didn't think mine cost much."
"No we usually spend around 40 bucks." They say as I grab the food from the window.
"Wow." I say as I hand the bag over to Mark and start driving.
"You drinking tonight honey?" Mark asks.
"You got some Mikes?" I ask.
"Fuck yeah."
"Then yeah." I laugh and finish driving back to the apartment.
Once we walk inside, everyone savagely grabs the food they ordered, then me and Mark sit on the couch with our food. I chug four mikes as soon as I'm done eating, then when I start to feel it I start sipping on the rest.
After a while, I go out on the balcony to get som fresh air, then Mark comes out to join me.
"Feeling better?" He asks as he lights his cigarette.
"What do you mean?"
"You seemed pretty down today, but I'm glad you're happy now."
"Me too, it's like when I drink everything else goes away." I pause. "I don't have to think about anything and I'm actually happy." He smiles and we sit out on the balcony talking, until we all go to bed.
YOU ARE READING
Why?
Non-Fiction"Why do you do it?" "What do you do with something that's broken?" "Throw it away." She answered. "Fix it." He replied. *** Everyone wants to know why she did what she did. She just wants to understand what happened to her so she doesn't feel so dea...
