Why?

25

"I'm sorry." I hear at 7:00am. "I didn't meant to cause so much trouble.

"Just forget about it." I say as I roll over on the bed.

"Are you mad at me? I was worried about you. I left work to look for you."

"Well I'm fine and you went back to work so it's all good."

"Are you mad at me?" He repeats his unanswered question.

"I don't think you want me to answer that."

"There's really no reason for you to be mad." When he says this I immediately turn over and sit up to look at him.

"No reason to be mad? You told the police I was gonna kill myself to get out of a speeding ticket. They could've sent me to a mental hospital or something."

"I knew they wouldn't."

"How did you know? I'm not someone you get to just fuck over all the time."

"I love you I would never try to hurt you."

"You just don't think about other people." I say calmly before I roll back over away from him.

He doesn't say a word, he just gets in bed and lays down. I lay there and eventually let sleep take me away. My escape doesn't last long as I wake up 2 hours later. Once I'm up I decide to go downstairs and get some breakfast.

"So what happened last night?" I hear Mark walk into the kitchen behind me. "I hear you made quite the scene."

"He called the cops on me."

"What?"

"I went for a walk and he told them I was going to kill myself."

"Because you went on a walk? You weren't going to were you?"

"No I wasn't I just needed to clear my head."

"Oh."

"He said he got pulled over for speeding while he was trying to look for me, and he told them that he was worried I'd hurt myself."

"That's fucked up."

"I know." I pause. "It is what it is I guess."

"Are you hanging out with us tonight?"

"I don't know."

"Sounds like you could use a drink."

"I could use one right now lol."

"So let's day drink."

"Ok fuck it." I say after consideration.

I drive us to the gas station to get some alcohol, and then drive us back to the apartment. After about two hours of drinking, he comes downstairs.

"What are you doing?"

"Just relaxing."

"You're drinking? It's only 3 o'clock."

"I needed something to help me calm down, after all I did get the cops called on me last night."

"But you're drunk at 3 in the afternoon."

"Why does it matter what time it is?"

"Because that's what alcoholics do."

"Ok and so?"

"So you're an alcoholic and you don't even see it."

"Ok well if I'm an alcoholic, you're the one who made me like this."

"How did I make you drink all the time?"

"Because I drink to forget." I pause. "And be happy."

"What forget me?"

"No." "Not exactly." I whisper the last part.

"Then I don't understand what I did to you to make you want to drink all the time."

"Let's just forget it."

"Fine I'll be upstairs if you want to be with your boyfriend. Unless you want to forget about me." He says as he walks back up the stairs.

"You're not an alcoholic." Mark tells me after he's gone.

"He drinks when he's off work too so I don't see why he has to make me drinking a big deal."

"Because he has to make everything difficult."

"Isn't that the truth." I agree before taking another drink.

"Do you guys all wanna watch something on Netflix?" Mark asks before looking at me. "Unless you want to go upstairs."

"Nope." I say with a smirk. "If he gets lonely he can come down here."

Mark laughs as they pick some comedy on the tv that I don't pay much attention to. Before the night is over me and Mark find our way out on the balcony by ourselves just talking away. By this point it was about nine o'clock at night, and I hear the sliding door open.

"Can I join." He asks as he steps out side.

"Sure." We both say.

He looks at us with disappointment.

"Well I guess I'll sit over here." He says as he sits at the other side of the balcony, referring to the fact that me and Mark are sharing the double seat.

Mark continues talking until we hear a lighter flick a few seconds after he comes out and gets comfortable. We both look over at him as he lights a cigarette.

"You smoke now?" Mark asks him.

"Maybe I do." He glares at Mark.

"Why?" I ask.

"Like you would care, since you don't care about me anymore."

"What do you mean I don't care about you anymore?"

"You'd rather sit down here and drink then spend time with me, and I'm your actual boyfriend."

"I still care about you, and I ask you all the time to come sit down here with me."

"But you never want to stay with me upstairs, maybe I want to be alone with you."

"Look, maybe she doesn't want to be alone with you, maybe you need to calm down and stop controlling her." Mark interjects.

"How are you going to to tell me about my girlfriend. You know what, maybe you're her boyfriend seeing how she spends so much time with you." He says as he stands up and walks inside.

"He's an ass." Mark says after he's gone.

"I love him though..."

"Do you?"

"Not as much as I used to, before he..."

"I'm sorry." He says quickly.

"I still remember the day he first... the day I lost my virginity. I remember everything about it. July 31st, 2017 it was 2 months after I turned 17, 2 months after he turned 18. Everything about it is burned into my mind and I can't escape it."

"I'm so sorry all this happened to you."

"Me too. It's like it just replays in my head over and over it won't let me forget."

"Maybe you're not supposed to forget, they say everything happens for a reason."

"Well what the fuck is the reason?" I ask rhetorically, pleading for an answer to the one question I'll always carry with me. Why? "What did I do to deserve this? What's the reason? Why did this happen to me?" I could feel tears spilling down my cheeks and at this point I didn't care if he saw me cry again.

"I don't know the answer to that." He says, upset by the fact that he can't bring me peace.

Nothing can ever bring me peace.

Nothing can ever answer the one question I so desperately needed an answer for.

Why?