Astrophile [J.P]

Chapter 49

~ I'm not sure if I will live to see tomorrow,

Living in this world of conflicts and sorrows. ~

***

The Order meeting had finished and the next missions had been assigned to the members. Peter had returned to his house but seemed rather disturbed, contrary to his usual mood. He had been exhausted from the past few days and after his return from the confidential mission he and Sirius had been sent to, he felt a heavy weight over himself.

The war was at peak and wizards of Muggle descent or Halfblood status even were being targeted on a daily basis. Many of them had vanished without a trace and it was widely believed that they were kept in the Dark Lord's torture cells or had been murdered already. The only ones who seemed safe were those who had pledged their loyalty to the Dark Lord.

Every morning, he woke up with the fear that it would be the last time he would breath the fresh open air because to him, death lurked above akin to the sword of Damocles which could fall at him and behead him any moment.

And every night when he went to bed, he would lay awake for hours, listening closely for he feared he would be taken hostage or murdered if he fell asleep. A constant fear of being abducted followed him throughout the days as he went about his duties to the Order. And even though he was accompanied by friends, he felt terribly alone.

James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin had always been much braver and better than him. In all his school years he had lived in the shadow of the three, finding himself somewhat closer to Remus because he too knew what it felt like to be an outcast. But James and Sirius were epitomes of what he could never be.

Daring, bold, courageous and selfless.

The two were ready to lay their lives down in the war and keep fighting till their last breath even though they knew the Dark Lord was on the winning side. And while Remus understood Peter's concerns, he too believed in staying on the right side without considering the other options of survival.

His friends were prepared to fight for the betterment of the wizarding world without paying heed to what they would get in return.

But then what use would life be if it were given just to be laid down for others who had hardly given a nobody like him any second thought?

True, he had friends, he had people to call his own but in the bleak times of war and despair, he could not help but think about himself only.

For him, his own survival was the first priority. It was what he had been taught from a young age, survival of the fittest and those who could not make the right decisions for themselves, those who could not adapt were thrown down the miserable vaults of death. 

And that encounter with Evan Rosier was prying upon his mind akin to a ravaging entity that refused to let go. He was caught up in a terrible conflict. 

On one hand were his four friends who had stood by him since the first year at Hogwarts. His only friends who had treated him like a brother, a confidante, an equal. 

And on the other hand was the Dark Lord who could easily snuff him out akin to a wax candle if he stood up against him.

Where would he be without his friends? If not for James, Remus and Sirius, his school days would have passed without the glimmer of hope and would have been just as dim as the life he was faced with at the moment. He would have been trodden upon, bullied, disowned and would have yearned helplessly for the comfort of camaraderie he felt with the three.

And yet where would he be if he sided against them? 

The Dark Lord was gaining power each day and was definitely on the winning side. Order members were falling down akin to helpless flies and it was just a matter of time that they would all get entangled in the webs of darkness and death that Voldemort had weaved around the wizarding world.

On one hand was a noble death. And on the other was a life of a traitor.

He held his head in his hands unable to think clearly for the fear of the near future had gripped him hard and was sinking its teeth into his heart, biting him out from the inside, making him bleed internally. All the nobility in him was bleeding out.

While the Gryffindors were known for their courage, he felt nothing short of a disgrace for there was not a single ounce of courage left in his heart that shook like a terrified bird in its cage. And it was that lack of courage which made him feel an outcast, as if he was stuck in the wrong place and was edging near a gruesome end. 

The faces of his friends danced in front of his eyes and even though he had forced his eyes shut, he could not erase their smiling welcoming faces from his memory. And he could not erase the pictures that formed shortly afterwards, the hurt and pained expressions on their faces upon discovering that he had been the traitor all along.

The broken look in James's hazel eyes when he would learn that his friend, his brother Peter was the viper concealed in the grass.

And while it tormented him to think of the future outcomes, he still knew he had to decide then and there. He had to decide whether to stay in the Order and get martyred or to join the Death Eater ranks and be spared.

The horrible jaws of death were poised to strike and he could see the menacing terror in front of him so vividly. He had to make a choice, he had to pick one side for he was a rower of two boats and drowning would be his fate if he failed to pick one.

It was a matter of life and death while Peter was a survivor not a warrior.

And so he chose life even though it came with disgrace, betrayal, murder and slavery to the greatest Dark Wizard of that age; terrifying Lord Voldemort.

He chose to survive because he had to.

He could not sacrifice his life in the war even though everything he held dear had been put up at stake from that fatal choice of his. 

But it was the only option of survival and so he grabbed it despite knowing fully that it was the wrong decision and the boat he had stepped into would only lead him further into the dark.

***