Soldiers Aren't Supposed To Cry

Chapter 6

"I can't get drunk, Thor. Metabolism's too fast to get drunk." Bucky explains for the fifth time.

"This isn't any old liquor, dear brother. This is Asgardian mead! I remember Steven got drunk with it before. Why don't you give it a try?" Thor offers, holding out the jug to the soldier. Valkyrie sits nearby, bouncing up and down while silently chanting "Do it do it do it do it do it" in her head. Bucky sighs and grabs the jug, taking a swig of it before putting it down. He clears his throat before smiling and asking a simple question.

"How much more of this you got?"

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Bruce walks in to see Bucky, Thor and Valkyrie sitting on the floor, giggling like a whole bunch of idiots. He looks cautiously between the three of them before stepping closer, instantly smelling the rancid odor of alcohol.

"Oh god, you three are drunk, aren't you?"

"Just a little bit." Valkyrie laughs, staring up at Bruce before burping louding. "Whoops."

"Come, Brother Banner. Join us!" Thor offers, holding up a glass of the mead. Banner shakes his head and Thor forms a pout. "But why not?"

"Asgardian mead isn't meant for humans. Bucky can drink it because of the serum. I'd get alcohol poisoning." He explains. Thor nods, taking another drink. Bruce walks out of the room and straight to the arcade, where the rest of the Avengers had decided to have a game night. "You guys might want to check the cameras."

"Why, what are they getting up to?" Tony asks, slightly worried as he runs to the back of the arcade, running into the security room.

"They're drunk." Bruce responds, causing Tony to pause.

"Even metal arm?"

"Even metal arm." Tony laughs before walking back to the group, dismissing it. Bruce shrugs and returns to the group, continuing the game night as before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Never have I ever done the dirty in public." Thor says, looking at the two, equally inebriated people across from him. Both Bucky and Valkyrie sigh before taking a shot. "Valkyrie I expected, but Barnes? What is your story?"

"It was the 30's. Liking the same sex wasn't all too popular, very frowned upon at the time. Steve and I had to get creative." Bucky simplifies, shrugging as he does so. Thor nods while Valkyrie lets out a short laugh. This game goes on and on until the three can barely keep their heads up.

"Never have I ever killed an important leader." Valkyrie states, letting out a loud burp as she finishes the sentence. Thor and Bucky take a shot and Bucky gets strange looks again.

"I'm, uh, pretty sure I assassinated President Kennedy in '63. Gonna be honest." He whispers, looking down at his arm. This goes on for a little while more, before the trio gets bored and decides to just talk about life.

"Jesus Christ, Valkyrie! How many people have you slept with?!" Bucky asks, honestly a little scared for the answer. She bursts out laughing and responds.

"A lot. Now, I have a question for the soldier." She responds, now waiting for his answer.

"Go ahead."

"Did you have missions go haywire?"

"Many."

"Which one haunts you the most, if you don't mind telling us." Bucky sighs before replying.

"14th of November, 1987. It was supposed to be an in-and-out mission. The guy was a politician, knew some things HYDRA didn't want him to know. My mission was to go in the back door, upstairs, into the master bedroom, and silently kill the couple. They wanted the woman dead to ensure nothing got out. They said no one else was in the house, they promised it was a simple mission!"

"What happened that made it go wrong?"

"HYDRA lied. There were others in the house. I only realized that when I heard the one word that will forever haunt me. Mommy. I turn around and there, in the doorway, are three little kids. The oldest was maybe ten, the youngest no more than two. I had their parents' blood on my hands."

"What did you do with them?"

"I followed the first rule of HYDRA. 'Leave no witnesses, make it as if you never existed'. I didn't feel anything. I shot the older two and snapped the youngest's neck. Quick and painless death, unlike their parents. But-but it's the eyes. Eyes filled with tears pleading for mom and dad to wake up that haunts me. I left and I didn't even look back. I reported it and they counted it as a failure. I had scars for months, but all I could see was their faces. God," He stops, looking up at the other two with tears in his eyes. "I'm a monster."

"Bucky-" Valkyrie tries.

"One of them looked like Steve."

"What?" The other two ask in unison, obviously confused.

"The middle child, blonde hair, blue eyes. His nose was red like Steve's always was before the serum. And yet I shot him first. Steve always hated bullies, and what did I turn into? I killed three innocent children so don't try and comfort me when I'm-I'm an abomination to society!"

"Bucky, that wasn't you, it was-"

"It was a tortured, brainwashed, and broken you. I've heard that a thousand times before and that isn't true. I was still in there. I was conscious for all of it. I was in the back of my own head, pleading to stop. And when I tried, tried to stop and do the right thing? That just brought me more pain."

"You did what you had to in that moment, it still wasn't you. It still wasn't-"

"Imagine what they could have become!" He whispers. "Imagine what they could have done if I hadn't brutally murdered them to save my own skin!" Bucky sobs out, wiping his eyes quickly. He stands up and stares at Thor and Valkyrie. "I'm going to bed, I will see you two in the morning if you are still here." The other two nod and say their goodnights as Bucky turns away, walking right past the arcade to get to the elevator. Tony waves at him and Bucky gives a brisk nod back, signaling he doesn't want to talk. The inventor sighs before returning his attention back to the group in front of him.

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And that night, as he's falling asleep, all Bucky can think about is the bright blue eyes of the little boy he killed, the one who looked exactly like the love of his life.