Soldiers Aren't Supposed To Cry

Chapter 2

"Come on Buck, stay with me buddy." Sam pleads, swerving through traffic while constantly checking on the barely conscious body in the backseat. It now occurs to Sam that he could have called an ambulance, but would have taken too long. Sam picks up his phone and calls the one person who can help him.

"What do you want, Sam? I'm in the middle of training Wanda." Nat answers, slightly panting from sparring with the other red-head. Sam doesn't respond quick enough, too busy changing lanes to get to the hospital. "Did you butt-dial me?"

"No, I didn't. Meet me at Broadway and Phelps, fast as you can."

"The hospital? What happened?" Nat asks, giving Wanda an apologetic look before running out of the gym. Natasha quickly jumps in her car and speeds off, still waiting for an explanation.

"Buck found a razor." Sam chokes out, once again checking on his friend in the backseat, now seeing more blood than five minutes ago. "He's bleeding everywhere and I'm driving as fast as I fucking can. Just meet me at Phelps."

"Oh god." Nat whispers, zooming down the road. "I'll meet you there, just please keep him alive. We just lost Steve and I don't think Peter could handle it."

"That's what I'm trying to do, Nat. See you there." Sam responds, soon hanging up as he reaches Broadway. He pulls into the hospital bay and runs inside, alerting two nurses about his friend's condition. Soon enough, Bucky is being wheeled into a hospital room, IVs and wires moving every which-way around him. Bucky's eyes slowly begin to close, and Sam freaks out before a nurse reassures him that Bucky is alright, just tired from his body attempting to replenish the blood he lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What the hell were you thinking, Barnes?!" Natasha yells, chest heaving with anger. Sam had explained to her what happened, and all she could see was pure red.

"Nat." Bucky whispers, tears pooling in his eyes. No one was supposed to find him alive, but now he had to deal with the consequences.

"Don't 'Nat' me! You tried to kill yourself! Were you even thinking of the consequences? Did you even consider how we would feel? How do you think Steve would feel when he saw you de-"

"I JUST WANTED TO SEE HIM AGAIN!" Bucky yells, a choked sob coming out right after. Natasha falls quiet and he continues. "What's the point of growing old if the one person you wanted to grow old with is dead? Steve threw our love away. He told me," Bucky stops, taking a second to compose himself, tears falling down his cheeks at a rapid pace. "He told me that once he came back, we'd get married, just like we always planned. That-that we would go down to the courthouse and sign the papers, that Sam and Wanda would be witnesses, and then we would throw a small wedding, just one big enough for us and our family."The man cries out, shoulders shaking as his chest begins to hurt from the dull, yet throbbing pain coming from his heart. "He said he would come back."

"Buck-"

"That's what I was thinking. I just wanted to be with him again." Nat walks to the bedside and wraps her arms around the soldier, pulling him in for a hug he couldn't escape if he tried. He could if he used his left arm, but he didn't want to leave. Bucky sat in her embrace for a little while longer, soaking the front of her shirt with tears. "I'm sorry. I-"

"I know Buck, I know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a routine psychological check and a lot of paperwork, Bucky was allowed to leave under careful watch. He sits in the back of Nat's car, his arm and chest wrapped in bandages. Poking at the bandage with his other arm, Nat plops into the front seat and starts the car. They both stay silent the entire car ride to the tower, and Nat notices some water spots on the bandages as she helps him out of the car. Bucky pulls up his hood as they walk inside, walking past employees and other avengers. Natasha and Bucky walk into the elevator and take it to the main common room. Bucky sits down in the small outcove near the window, staring out at the city, while Nat walks over to the fridge and grabs a bottle of water. Handing it to Bucky, she offers him a small smile.

"You can hang out here until we get your room ready."

"You mean install cameras so I don't try to kill myself again?"

"Bucky, you know we onl-"

"Only want to help me, I get it." He states, getting up and walking towards the elevator.

"Where are you going?"

"The gym." Before Nat can stop him, he enters the elevator and goes to the gym. As he enters, he takes off his bandages, throwing the bloodied gauze away. The large scars now stand out against his pale skin as he wraps his hand and walks over to the punching bag. He begins with a few simple punches before he lets it all go, tears streaming down his face. It only takes one punch with the metal arm for the bag to go flying across the room, creating a dent in the wall. He sighs before grabbing another bag, hanging it on the chain and repeating the process. By the time his eyes are too full of tears to see, there is a pile of punching bags on the floor against the wall and a large hole where one of the bags went through. Bucky slumps down against the wall and begins to cry harder. Nat walks in and sighs before helping him up, slowly walking the crying man out the door.

"No, I-i have to go back. I need to clean up the bags." He mumbles, stumbling along with Nat.

"I'll clean it up, you need to rest." Nat responds, walking him down the hall. Bucky solemnly looks at the doors, but stops when there's one that he recognizes. He stops abruptly and looks at Nat, almost asking for permission to go in. She nods and he opens the door, shaky breaths coming out of his mouth as he looks around the neatly kept room. Pictures line the walls, drawings scattered on the dresser. Bucky nods and steps back out.

"I'll look at it later, I don't want to see it right now." Bucky whispers, tears making their continuous path down his face. Nat nods and walks Bucky to his room. It's a small room, a bed, a dresser, a mirror, and a bathroom. Bucky thanks her before walking in, looking around the quaint bedroom and sighing. He looks straight at the camera in the corner and glares at it before changing into sweatpants and laying down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nat walks into Bucky's room, expecting to see him asleep, but only seeing an empty bed. She looks around a little longer, checking the bathroom before sighing and stepping out of the room.

"Buckyyyy, where are youuu?" She calls, looking around the floor before heading back to the hallway. She continues to search around before finally realizing where he is. She slowly opens the door of Steve's room, and there he is, staring out the window with a journal in his hand. Nat is about to speak when she hears him mumbling to himself.

"God Steve, why do you always break your promises? You promised me you'd come back." He whispers, letting out a small sob. " I pieced together more memories today. Probably wasn't during the best time, but I remembered them. I remember you blushing when we were little. I remember most things from when we were little now... God, why did it have to be you? I just got you back. Why couldn't it have been me? The world needs you. The avengers need you. I NEED YOU!" Bucky yells, his sobs breaking Nat's heart. She walks closer to him as he mutters one last thing. "Everything hurts without you, Stevie." She sighs before placing her hand on his shoulder, causing him to flinch and turn around.

"You should go to bed, Buck. It's late." Natasha whispers, giving him a small smile. Bucky nods and begins to walk out when he stops.

"Can I sleep in here instead?" He asks, silently pleading with his eyes. Nat approves and Bucky slightly smiles. As he walks over to the bed, she finally realizes what shirt Bucky had changed into. One of Steve's sweaters. Natasha wishes him goodnight and walks out, closing the door behind her. It's only a few minutes before she hears sobbing from the other side of the door, and she sighs before going to bed as well.