Ian isn't looking for trouble, so when he wakes up in a hospital unaware of what has happened to him, he refuses to find out the truth. Why would he want to remember something that might be too much to handle? The past is the past, isn't it?
But the...
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11:30 AM
I said it was okay and that I knew he didn't mean it, but was it, though? I'm used to being treated like that, I know I'm just a very unwanted responsibility to them. And as I said many times before, I don't mind the fact that we're not the perfect TV family, but no matter how much we differ from each other, we can't just fight all the time. No, it's not okay that you constantly accuse me of things that go wrong in your life. I'm not the cause of your problems.
When I was little, I used to be so sad about it. I needed attention, I needed to be wanted and loved by my mom, but she didn't give it to me. And then all of a sudden I had a dad who seemed like he cared for a while. He didn't, he wanted to impress mom, but he gave up when he found out that she herself had no interest in me. I'm not sad anymore, I'm angry. And not because it happened to me, but that it happened at all. You just don't have children if you're not willing to take care of them. And if the kid is not planned and you're not ready to be a parent, you pull yourself together and make yourself ready. It is a human being that is now your responsibility, you have to pretend that you're a grown-up, even though, clearly, you're not.
I really have to work on the way I react to things that upset me, or that simply I don't agree with. I'm not proud of how I acted when dad blamed me for stealing those 300 bucks. I left, not saying anything, but I was so angry that if I hadn't I would have yelled or said something I know I'd regret later. Still, I'm ashamed of always reacting with aggression. I should've stayed and talked it through. At least I'm aware of my problem, that's a good thing, right?
This one time, it turns out, they were actually right about accusing me of lying. Because those two weeks ago at the hospital they said they didn't believe me I had gone to the movies that night and I remember in my head being mad at them for not being supportive. Well, he should've tried apologizing to me sooner and maybe my memories would've come back earlier.
"So, where are we going? Where did you go that night?" the enthusiasm in Bobbie's voice scared me. They're both pretty hyped. As they say, three heads are better than one, right?
"I went into the woods"
"You went into the woods, at 9 PM, Jesus, what for?" I love the judgemental tone of Nick's voice.
"I don't really know, to be honest. I was really angry at my dad and I guess I just wanted to be alone. Yeah I know it's weird, it was pretty late and must have been dark outside already, so I couldn't tell you why I came up with such a stupid idea, but I think I did."
"You think you did? Ian, do you remember something, or you're just guessing?"
"I'm kinda guessing. But hear me out. It does make a little sense. From what the lady that had found me in the alley told me we can assume that I was beaten somewhere else. She didn't hear anybody screaming or any sounds of fighting whatsoever. And the police did their research and haven't found any witnesses, which means it had to be a place where no one would be at, at that time."
"Yeah, cool Ian, but that doesn't necessarily mean a forest. How can you be sure?"
"Ugh, wait here." I left my room and went to the basement again. I know what shoes I was wearing that night. My white sneakers. I haven't seen them since then. If I went to the forest, surely they wouldn't be so white anymore.
11:50 AM
I found them, just as I thought, in the basement, but they don't look like they got even close to the forest. They're definitely too clean. Ugh, I know I went there. I just have a feeling. I tend to have really stupid and immature ideas when I'm angry. It really sounds like something I would do. I have to text my mom.
ME: Hey, mom, I can't find my sneakers. Maybe you know where they are?
MOM: In the basement, they had to be washed.
ME: Thx for doing it!
ME: Were they really that dirty? Haha
MOM: Let's just say that you could have never told their original color was white.
12:00 PM
"Okay, Ian, that is not evidence, but it is a clue for sure. So, where do you want to go, specifically? I mean, the forest is pretty big. How do we know where to start?"
"Too many questions, Nicole. I really don't have anything figured out yet, but I've noticed that not knowing what to do is actually the best I can do. Something will click eventually, even if now it just feels like wasting time. And yes, maybe it'll turn out to be a false lead, just like my dreams have. Although I'm sure nothing will ever be as stupid as believing I time-traveled. *laughs*"
I'm actually glad they're coming with me. I think it all became a little less stressful since I'm able to talk about it and don't have to lie about where I'm going or what I'm doing. Having a secret, no matter what it is, is always a burden. Especially when you're keeping it from the people that are the closest to you. You can't turn to them for comfort or advice. You can't share your feelings. And where do you turn, when there's no one to turn to? I don't wish anyone to ever find the answer.
