on our backs drifting through the dark
the room spinning around us,
the statement tumbling from your lips:
"sometimes i think you would be happier without me."
i don't remember exactly what you said
but i wish i could just take a snapshot
of that moment in time
our breaths in sync
the muted colors of the ceiling
my heart aching, a cold pit in my stomach
because i couldn't find the strength to lie to you
and i can't remember what i said in response,
maybe i said nothing at all,
and maybe that spoke volumes.
i rolled over, gave you a hug
the most i could manage without breaking down,
and whispered "i love you, don't ever forget that" but maybe you have, and even if you didn't...you don't know what i really meant.
you looked up at me, eyes wide in the dark, a smile tugging at your lips.
"i love you too. you're my best friend."
what am i supposed to say,
when the very sound of your voice echoes in my head?
what i remember:
a black car, windows rolled down,
a friend telling me to rescue you
but i couldn't,
because you didn't want to be saved, or you just didn't need saving.
i remember stumbling outside,
my heart tearing at my ribs,
tears blurring the edges of my vision
telling me i had to get out of there
saw his arm resting between you both,
the caress of your hand in the gloom
no matter how much i tried to let it go
i still felt myself being torn in two.
i remember walking away from it all
just trying to get to the edge of the sea.
maybe i could just sink into the foam
and escape it all
but i couldn't, for strong hands held me back
i could plummet down the bridge
walk straight into hell
but i didn't, and instead took a bike ride around the block
in our room, i see another
he's leaning over you, against the wall
i trust him more than i do the other one, but nothing takes away the pain
and irony, that all of us would do anything for you
after he left, i directed my anger at the plaster wall, at myself
for taking my anger out on you, and nobody else
you didn't know the reasons for my attitude, only experienced the venom
so yes, i'm mad at myself
and now a shadow comes into bloom on my knuckle --
a painful reminder of what i could have remembered
