Late Night Thoughts

Her

It's always been her.

From the first day of elementary school, when the teacher called out our names, holding hands as we followed the others into the classroom until the last day of high school, cheering and crying with the others as we said goodbye to the biggest part of our lives, when we looked each other in the eyes and smiled because we knew we'd see each other again - the next day, and the day after that, and the one after that.

I couldn't imagine my life without her.

My first memory is one of us sitting on the floor of her aunt's living room, trying to build towers made of our stuffed animals. Of course we never got farther than three but we were so young and so unaware of the world that it didn't matter how big they were or how many times they fell or how long it took to build them up again.

In grade three we had our first big fight because I thought she was leaving me for the new kid in our class who was a tiny bit taller than me and wore pink shoes. After two days of ignoring each other, we finally couldn't take it anymore and talked it all out, promising to always trust each other and never have anyone replace the other as our best friend. We kept that promise.

She shared her first kiss with the cute guy a year above us, marking the beginning of their relationship, after I had spent weeks trying to convince her to go and talk to him because I couldn't stand it anymore that he was the only topic of conversation she seemed to be able to follow. They lasted a couple of months, broke up, and she has had other boyfriends since then. I never had enough interest in anyone and am still waiting for my first kiss.

Last year her grandmother died and it was as if our world had come crashing down. Maybe we weren't related but she was my grandmother too, and I have never felt anything as painful as having someone you love and admire suddenly gone from your life. However, as we relied on each other for support and comfort, crying our eyes out while talking about all the memories, it was nice to have someone to share it all with, to make me believe that we could go on and it was going to be okay.

Without her, I wouldn't be who I am today.

It has taken me years to realize this and I can't even say exactly when, but I have fallen in love. I have fallen in love with my best friend, my soulmate, the one who is always right beside me, the only person I trust blindly, and it's tearing me apart that I can't tell her:

It's always been you.