Ansh simply can't navigate logic between the coiled grooves of his brain. Sometimes he wishes to be a woman and other times, he wishes to transgress boundaries of gender and become a synthesis of all the mistiness he feels inside. Feeling entirely...
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Chapter 8// Ansh Isn't Used To Kindness
"It's alright."
Every corner of Ansh's ethereal existence was being lit up with sublime feelings of importance. It wasn't just what Vinodh had said, it had more to do with the fact that Vinodh had said it with a smile. Almost too lofty for reality, he asked, "It's alright?"
This was perhaps one of the very few times, Ansh's own face gave away not an ounce of emotion.
"Yes." Vinodh had shrugged, albeit with a smile. Like, a residual smile. When you've laughed too much and you're tired from laughing, but the moment was so saccharine that a smile would nevertheless makes its way onto your face unconsciously.
"Even though I'm like this?"
"Like what?"
Like a girl.
Ansh looked down, not really knowing what to say. He felt like he'd be engaging in an allusive insult to himself if he even mentioned his problem. It shouldn't have to be a problem. He knew that. Yet, at some point, he was tired of explaining himself to people. Who would he be even explaining to? He has got no one.
Vinodh sighed as if he had read into Ansh's tentativeness. Vinodh just couldn't approach other people's moments of vulnerability. He wasn't driven away, no. But he also wasn't capable of diving in and consoling. The discomfort had creeped in. What do I say.
As if the universe were guiding him out of his vacillation, Vinodh remembered Ansh's words, "Your voice comforted me more than the words you said." And so, Vinodh just called out Ansh.
"Ansh."
Ansh looked up, trying his best to register Vinodh's voice. It wasn't turbulent, neither was it gentle like how he'd hoped for. It was, panicked. Ansh was internally amused that Vinodh hadn't been joking about his indifference that he tries so hard to fight off.
"Yes?" Ansh knew he was already feeling a lot better. Probably because his shadowed thoughts were now replaced with the light. The light that was Vinodh.
"I won't be moving out, so don't worry."
Ansh was still amused at Vinodh's apparent panick. "I'll admit that I'll incur an economic loss if you were to leave. That's not why I'm worried though." Ansh had now begun to intently stare at him, hoping he would read into his own mind and say what he was thinking.
Do you mind me?For who I am?
Instead he asked, "How did your parents find out?" They lived in a different city altogether. Ansh wondered how many channels of communication would've been required for something trivial like his sexuality to be known to a bunch of people in another town.
Vinodh shifted all his weight to his left leg and looked at Ansh with embarrassment. "My aunt lives in the neighborhood, she recently learnt from my parents that I was staying here. She's...not a nice person to know and I was hoping to avoid her forever."
Ansh nodded in understanding. The world was always too small when it came to unnecessary trouble. The world became less of a complex and intricate network and launched itself with pettiness combined with possibilities that shouldn't have been.
"Right."
Ansh knew this all too well, he was stuck in a town that had nothing to offer and a town to which he had nothing to give. And yet, it was so hard to leave. And to where, another place just like here?
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