Misery Loves Company (H.Styles Fanfic)

Chapter 29

I'm so sorry. I was actually going to update on the 31.12.14 but I didn't have any internet connection for three weeks....
-katexx

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Chapter 29

Harry leaves tonight.

We’ve been trying not to talk about it because the first thing on my mind is how I’m going to keep my mind busy for seven days. I will drive myself crazy in this house and certainly in less than seven days. One Direction will be recording before the tour rehearsals start, and to be available at all times of the day, hotel rooms just around the studio have been booked for them. Harry has shown me pictures on his phone of how luxurious the rooms are and I’ve never seen him this excited before.

“One day, Elena, it’ll be you and I in a suite like this, lounging in our robes and doing absolutely nothing, or whatever you want to do. I promise,” he’d said. “There’s even a Jacuzzi in the room!”

If he means it, I’m not sure, but at least it’s something I can hold on to. Since we’ve been back from his mother’s house, Harry has been very opened about our ‘relationship’. He kisses me in the morning and at night – still just a little peck on the lips, I know he doesn’t want to take it as far as we did the other night – and giggles at everything I say. He tries not to talk about his family; I believe he could see how much it hurt for me to see them happy and without a family of my own. He even called Liam to assure him that everything had been good on our date and I had to confirm it with him over the phone afterwards because he wouldn’t believe Harry. Still then, Liam thought I was being forced by Harry to say so.

I don’t exactly know what to think of my relationship with Harry. If the pain from being locked up isn’t as strong as it used to be in the beginning, I’m know it’s because I’ve let myself die from the inside not to feel. Shoving two fingers down my throat after every meal helps me evacuate the fear and guilt and pain that create the lump in my stomach, it helps me know that I still have control over one thing in my body. Harry thinks I brush my teeth in the bathroom, he doesn’t even wonder why I often play my iPod really loud at the same time. So the rest, I just push away and try to forget about my life. If I ever do forget, it will hurt less eventually.

I’ve also discovered a new game. Every time my body starts feeling something close to an emotion of pain, I excuse myself with a polite smile and head to the bathroom. After a meal, I can easily churn it back in the toilet. But at random moments of the day, I use my razorblade to create a thin line at the back of my thigh. I do it blindly, but it’s the safest place for Harry not to see. It hurts and reminds me that pain is physical, not emotional. I should not feel emotionally. I love Harry, so what I should feel is love for him and nothing else. I must be happy around him because I love him. And when it bleeds, I see that my heart is still beating and pumping blood properly. I’m only physically alive. And then I cover it with a Band-Aid and put my shorts back on.

“You’re awfully quiet this morning, Elena,” Harry chuckles, joining me over on the sofa with his own bowl of ‘porridge’. He plants a wet kiss on my cheek and stretches his bare legs on the coffee table. “May I ask what is tormenting you?”

I smile at him and scoop a spoonful of my own oatmeal. “Nothing. At what time is Lou coming over?”

“Around three,” he says, checking his phone that lies on the sofa next to him. When he bends his head down like this, it looks like he has a double chin, but it’s adorable. He still has his baby fat and I just want to pinch his cheeks and poke a finger in the crease of his deep dimples. “What are you staring at?”

I shrug and he smiles, bending down to kiss my temple. He acts like a real boyfriend, so I figured the best I could do was act like a real girlfriend. If people can believe it, so can I. “Eat your breakfast before it gets cold, Harry,” I say jokingly. “You’ll be complaining if it does.”