undeniable

32| scared

I'VE BEEN SCARED a lot in my life.

I was scared when I fell off my bike the day I turned six. I was scared when I had nightmares because of a movie I told the boys I was old enough to watch, but really wasn't. I was scared when we moved out of my grandmother's house to live with my aunt. I was scared when my Dad left us, convincing me I was the reason.

But nothing scared me more than seeing the ambulance show up to the house and rush Livia, Maya, and Ricky to the ER.

I really thought I would cry but I didn't. I was just kind of numb, watching the scene unfold and letting the boys move me to the car, Ollie, and the twins joining us at the hospital soon after.

Parker picked up on this and pulled me aside when we were sitting in the cold waiting room where we had been only a matter of weeks ago.

"Hey, look at me," he whispers, tilting my chin up to him.

"Stop doing that, it isn't your fault. Livi's gonna be okay, I know it." He adds firmly, and I just let my face crumble, the tears rushing into my eyes.

"B-But if I had gone to check on her earlier maybe she would've been fine, Parker. I should've j-just checked on her." I whimper, covering my mouth with my hand, trying to quiet the sound.

"You had no idea anything was the matter, none of us did, Mads. You can put that on yourself." He pulls me into a hug, letting me cry a little.

We have no details on how Livia's doing, the only thing we were informed of was that they got her to start breathing in the ambulance again and she was stable.

But that was half an hour ago, and a lot can change in that time.

Neither Parker or I talk, he just lets me hold onto him, knowing that is probably what's going to calm me down the most.

Ollie is quietly talking with the twins, all of their faces tired and pale.

If we're this worked up I can't imagine how Maya and Ricky are doing.

Parker eventually makes me sit down on one of the chairs, tucking some blanket he snagged around me.

"Try to rest your eyes for a bit, I promise you'll be the first person I talk to if anything happens." He tells me, and I nod, even though I know I'll never fall asleep.

This is hell.

Even though it's torture, one thought keeps running through my mind.

We had her for two weeks. We got to meet her and kiss her and hold her and tell her we love her, and then this happens.

If anything permanently damaging happened to her I don't know what I'd do, it already amazes me how much I love that kid.

She's my niece, she's supposed to be my buddy.

My thoughts are interrupted when Ricky walks out of the room, exactly like he did when she was born except instead of a big smile on his face a deep frown is set there. Instead of his eyes being red-rimmed from happy tears, I know it's the polar opposite. He still has the bags under his eyes, but they're paired with worried lines.

He looks horrible, giving me an idea of how Livia's doing.

"Is everything okay?" I sit up, wiping under my eyes quickly.

He just nods, sitting down in one of the chairs.

Everyone lets out a collective breath, but I'm still nervous. I feel like there's a big 'but' coming.

"It's pretty common for most preemie babies to have mild obstructive sleep apnea, which is where the soft tissue at the back of the throat collapses and blocks the airway during sleep, but it usually corrects itself over time. And most babies will start breathing again after a few seconds, but they found out Livia has severe central sleep apnea, which is why she stopped breathing completely." He explains, sighing and looking like it hurts for him to explain.