Darkness and Hope

Chapter 51

Some weeks later...

I opened my eyes wide as Cayla burst into a desperate cry. I was just about to fall asleep when her desperate calling brought me back to reality. The clock read 3 am and I haven't slept an hour in a row. It had been like that since the babies were born three weeks ago. I pulled the covers away and got up towards the crib James and I had put in our bedroom. They slept in the same crib.

"Hey..." I whispered trying not to take her in my arms but her crying wasn't subsiding and James was beginning to stir a lot. I didn't want to disturb him.

I picked her up just to be sure he kept on sleeping but then it was Cullen's turn. I grabbed Cayla in one arm and with my free hand, I tried to rock Cullen back to sleep.

"Oh Christ..." James said out loud and not gentle. "Can't they give us just a moment of peace?" James had been back to the studio with the band and I was the one staying at home. We were both exhausted and a bit cranky. I assumed he was just tired.

"I'm gonna take them downstairs. You try to sleep ok?" I told him and James didn't answer me.

He just turned around on the bed and covered his head with the blanket. I grabbed Cullen the best I could and took them both to the living room. I laid them both on the couch and I crouched in front of them and began to massage their bellies. Having two babies was far from being an easy task, everything was doubled. I was drained and exhausted. James was drained and exhausted, and I just wanted to help my kids and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to have time for James and I didn't have any. I also wanted to be there for him but in the middle of all this, he was the one that needed me the least. He was independent, and the babies needed me all the time. I began to cry. I sobbed of despair while trying to ease the pain in the babies' belly. I sobbed... just because I wanted to cry and nothing else. I cried of exhaustion. Then, I felt James's hand on my shoulder.

"I am sorry I yelled." He said.

"You more than anyone, much better than I do, knew what was like to have a baby around the house." I told him.

I was hurt. He rested his chin on my shoulder and apologized again. I knew somehow that wasn't him talking and I didn't want to fight. He had changed the pasts weeks. Sometimes he was him and sometimes he was someone I didn't know.

"They are driving me crazy." He whispered. "I am so sorry, babe."

"And don't you think they are driving me crazy too? I'd give anything just to be able to sleep a couple of hours straight, but they need me and I love them to death and I would do anything for them." I still cried.

"I love them too." He assured me. "Give me one." He said stretching his arms. "Let me help you." I shook my head.

"Go back to sleep. You have to go to the studio in the morning." I said.

"I wanna help Ade. Come on...let's not make this a problem for us. It was a rant; it won't happen again. God... I am an asshole." He whispered in the end. "I should have kept my mouth shut. I love you and I love them ok? I just miss you... now it's all about them and you never have time for me and we're always tired." James complained.

I sat on the floor next to him and put Cayla on his arms and I grabbed Cullen. James rested Cayla on his legs and she opened her blue eyes for him. I saw him lose his rudeness in instants and he smiled at her with enormous tenderness. Like I said... two versions of the same person. I didn't know what was happening to him. Maybe, he was just missing me.

"Are you looking at daddy?" He asked her. "Is the pain gone now? Uh?" She made a face and he laughed loud. James pulled her up with his hands and put her in front of his face. "Can't you and your brother let mommy and daddy sleep?" Cayla frowned and let out another scream.