Paradise ||H.S||

Ch.5

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The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy
'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore
And then they are bored...

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I was freaking out.

I needed to find an outfit and maybe a xanax for this date.

It had been a couple of days since that day I grew some balls and texted Harry.

6 days to be exact.

Not that I was counting or anything.

Harry ended up being a very fun person to talk to. I surprisingly didn't get that constricting feeling I usually get when talking to people. Well, not as much as I was expecting to get, but that in itself is surprising.

We had been texting through these past 6 days; I learned that Harry has been an extroverted "character" throughout his entire life, always being the "practical joker" and having the starring roles in his school plays. How he landed those roles is a surprise to me, because he sent some of his jokes, and let's say they're not very good.

His charismatic personality is what made it easier on me to speak to him, I think. I felt like the conversation could keep going and I didn't feel that pressure to think of something new to talk about, or fuss about whether or not he finds me boring.

To keep with his trademark of giving me heart attacks, he sent me this text last night.

"Get ready tomorrow at 8, I'm taking you out."

To which I replied

"What if I was going to say no, What if I'm busy"

"Are you busy?"

"Unfortunately no"

"You have no excuse, be ready"

I don't know why that last message made my stomach flutter.

It's currently 7pm and I'm sitting on the floor of my dimly illuminated closet with clothes sprawled out all around me.

Now Harry didn't give me any information about where he's taking me or how I should dress, and honestly if it wasn't for Ellie's smothering I probably wouldn't have even thought about actually going out with the man.

In all honesty, I'm scared shitless.

I can't remember my last date, if this is considered a date.

Or actually, I do, I just prefer to keep the unwanted memories suppressed.

I have been in a total of 3 relationships, surprisingly. My anxiety makes it hard for me to connect with people. It feels like this looming presence, always with you.

Anxiety has been an issue of mine for a really long time. I had attacks when I was a little child, only finding out when I was older. I would stay up at night thinking about my presence in this world, what it means, I would dissociate, but never understand what was going on.

It was very unnerving for a child, and still is unnerving currently, but we're working on it.

I went through a myriad of therapists when I finally left the shackles of the household I was in. My parents didn't believe in mental illness, telling me to pray when I tried to explain to them what I was feeling.