My Last Days: A Suicide Story

What happened?

1. Discovering the things that were making me depressed
2. not caring about those things anymore and
3. expecting nothing from life or anyone not even payment or commendations for my good deeds, acts of kindness or any work at all basically always expect the worse

it sounds sad but it is not, it is in fact very freeing, I started doing things that made me happy instead of things that gave me anxiety and worry, an example was during my last days of University, I didn't care about my CGPA, I didn't let the possibility of it being low affect how I felt, I would read about the stars and random things that were technically useless but enjoyable to me, I would sleep and wake up whenever I liked.
In the past I would wake up at night study for school but yet I would have anxiety which would make it hard for me to even understand what I was reading, I would be quizzing myself and when I missed/forgot a couple things I would be sad it felt like others were using cheat codes and short cuts which was true, but it had nothing to do with me.
I turned things around by thinking to myself what's the worst that can happen? If I failed so what? And I became more relaxed than ever before,
I was no longer scared of failure nor anxious about getting a B or an A.

I was active in church and all that but they always wanted more, I was in tees ushering department and sanitation group but they wanted me to also preach and partake in evangelism (I did eventually add the evangelism to all the other things I was doing ) still they wanted even more whenever possible.
I represented the church regionally, I and another guy we came 3rd but the church wanted us to have come first and they made it known to us we felt disappointed in ourselves but deep down I wasn't disappointed I knew we had done our best we just had very excellent opposition, the team that faced off against us and knocked us out to battle for third place eventually came first beating the second placed team by a much wider margin than they beat us, the girl who faced off with Mr from the winning team didn't get anything wrong I got 2 wrong I was the one who cost our loss worse of the girl didn't blink she looked me in the eye as she won it, so I knew I had faced superior opposition except maybe she saw the questions before the event if not she was excellent, so I thought we did well but it was just not enough.
we both got a Bible each for the one Nd only time I got a thank you or commendation or gift for all my effort and time.
Another time I was the best from my parish for a state wide literature competition, and top 10 in the entire competition, I didn't even get a congratulations everybody acted like it was nothing even though they had hyped the event so much before we went for it, we were about 12 from my parish but the competition saw over 500 people compete,
I was also working hard at a good reputation but the fact that noone cared got to me noone believed alot of things about me they thought because they were doing X, y, z everyone else must be doing those things as well, when I got asked questions like "what is your vice" at first I'd say none because that was the truth but eventually I started making stuff up, occasionally saying I drank even though I seriously disliked the taste of alcohol it's either too bitter for me or burns the throat or something and if someone went as far s to buy me a drink I would pour it on the ground when the person wasn't looking or give it out if it is in can and not intended to be consumed immediately, also made up stories about being a ladies man, make no mistake the ladies loved me but I was too picky and wasn't as wild and adventurous as my stories were

In conclusion, depression in my own experience had to do with a lot of things I was angry or sad about in most cases I had forgotten why I was sad but somehow the sadness remained even when I woke up, I woke up sad not really knowing why, had I had a bad dream? Certainly not I never forget a dream especially not so soon.