The first step I took was to identify why I was sad,
It turned out to be MANY little things that had happened for years about 8 years and honestly even much longer from school(s), church, exam in university and my fall from second class upper to second class lower to even spending an extra year in university, I felt like alot of injustice was done to me across several courses sometimes I even forgot exactly what it was but the dislike or hate still lingered after I had managed to somehow scale through, I had an accident that crippled me I recovered eventually, I had been subject of bullying for years because I had a funny sounding first name and I have yellow bone so my teeth was also yellowish and I was born with "bow leg" my parents especially my dad made sure the bow leg was fixed which I am forever grateful for, I saved up cash and had surgery on my teeth without my parents even knowing while I was still living with them they later found out and got furious but eventually understood especially when it worked out well,
I started using my Middlename more instead of the firstname that I was teased with all my life it was always faustrating when someone new would think they were the first to try to tease my with a variation of the name, meanwhile I had heard the same exact teasing all my life, The girls I liked were unfortunately nit bright as well they always fit the profile of the beautiful, gold digger who had multiple men, one time a girl told me you'd make a great husband but not a good boyfriend wow that was hurtful because it meant friend zone till 30 or so after she must have been done enjoying her life maybe then I can have whatever is left, I thought I was fat and ugly it turned out I wasn't I only had bow leg and the bone colour but the way kids acted I thought I was actually ugly when I look back at pictures and when I talk with people from that time now it turns out I wasn't ugly it was just the teeth colour, my mum said people used to tell her that's not your baby while refering to me they'd ask her are you the nanny because the baby was very healthy and handsome although she was good looking but she was dark while I was lighter, I was an outcast only because of my teeth, I also got beatens for it in school from teachers, so basically there has always been something to feel sad about most times multiple things at a time and these little things despite how little they may seem built up over time, even when I fixed them the hate was still there, the hate for that school, those people, thosr teacher, Even when I had forgotten their names.
To make matters worse, I never forget incidents, I can forget dialogue but never actions or pictures so I had those things in my mind for as long as possible, even till now I can see the teachers who beat me for my teeth. I remember trying severally to change the colour by using charcoal and other remedies that didn't work because the problem was inside the teeth and not outside the outer layer of the teeth the enamel is transparent while the inner layer the dentin was yellow I didn't know this at the time all the bearings and the jeering and looks of disgust made me use charcoal as they suggested it didn't work, they also suggested knife to scrape the teeth big mistake this only damaged the perfectly ok outer enamel while the dentine the yellow part remained intact inside, many years later as I lay in the hospital faced upwards looking into the dentist's light he would tell me the damage I had done to the enamel which brought back memories of a little boy trying to fit in, trying to be liked, but always left out.
After all these everything comes together and I start asking myelf why are people this wicked and evil and heartless what did I ever do to them why won't they give me my score, or respect me or why would they keep cheating me, and treating me badly, maybe it's not them that's the problem maybe it's me.
And finally you'd look for a way out if only I can stop it how can I end it all Maybe if I take my life.
That's how it happened, that's my story.
So what helped me was I No longer measured anything, just living each day as it comes realising that death will eventually come there is no need to rush. People will always be wicked and will treat anything including you and your feelings as irrelevant thrash just for the fun of it or because "that's how they are"
As for me, I didn't just wake up depressed one day, it took years of many different things events in my life piling up and being bottled up until the bottle was so full it over flowed and almost drowned me
I now realise that the way I feel or how deeply I care about something really doesn't matter, it only just weighed me down while the situation persisted and even after I had acted on the situation the excessive worry left its mark behind taking up space somewhere inside me, So I stopped worrying all together.
As for suicide? I realised Death is one way to escape the situation, I will never see people who comit suicide as cowards to me being down the path I've gone it takes some level of bravery to actually go through with the plan, however what can be argued is whether that bravery is misguided.
As for it being selfish most suicidal people already think noone cares about me, infact they think if they are gone they'd be doing those people who don't care about them a favour. Even those who care about me I'd be given them more money to use for better things more space to life, grow and enjoy.
In the end, death is one way to escape conflicts and situations no doubt but not letting conflicts and the situations affect the way you feel towards yourself is another way to escape it. Don't bottle things up, focus on things you love doing even if it is irrelevant to others or the time you are in. Find time to do it, don't think too much off what others may think or say it does not matter.
Every life begins with birth and ends with death the only difference is how they were lived, people who haven't lived multiple life times shouldn't tell you how to live out the only life you have. They shouldn't also be the reason you end it.
Allow situations and events be just that, let them be just experiences you experience and not things that define you.
