dicey ↬ nomin

Ch.39

Jeno sat across from the woman who had cared for him since age three in his parents' stead. His hands were clasped together like the jaws of an alligator and sweat trickled down his forehead like it would on a humid day. But it wasn't a humid day. He looked at her and she had her head tilted in concern. Her eyes wouldn't leave his and he felt his mouth dry of all moisture.

"I-I can't say it," his voice cracked and he looked down, breaking their eye contact. It was really quiet for what felt like an eternity and his cheeks burned with shame like a raging fire. He could say it in his head, but when it came to expressing it audibly, the words would dissolve on his tongue and leave him feeling unprepared.

Mrs. Kim's hands reached across the kitchen table and encompassed his fidgeting ones with the warmth of hers. His fingers lost their tension and his shoulders slumped in defeat. The shame he felt now would be zero to what he would feel if he was to completely breeze over it and leave the woman in her state of unknowing.

"I know you're worried about me," he began, still looking at his own hands, although also looking at hers as they held his comfortingly. "I'm sorry I've been so closed off. You didn't deserve my attitude and I should have told you everything from the very beginning."

"Jeno," she whispered uncertainly and leaned back in her chair, almost scared of what she was about to hear. She could feel the graveness of what he was about to tell her and she could sense that it was going to take a moment for him to word it effectively.

"I've actually been hurting a lot on the inside and the outside for a long time. I don't think I can do this anymore and I need more than just my friends' shoulders to lie on. I need yours too."

Mrs. Kim was wondering what he had meant by hurting on the "inside and the outside". Was he struggling with mental illnesses? Was he being physically bullied? "Who's hurting you?" She asked quietly while feeling the burn of tears at the back of her eyes because of the look on Jeno's face.

"I'm been abused, Mrs. Kim."

She felt all the colour drain from her face and she froze, her hands still holding his and her eyes not looking at his face, rather, through his face in shock. The reaction was so immediate that Jeno nearly believed that she had been expecting this, but she hadn't. Her whole heart felt tonnes heavier and the burn of tears that weren't falling fell onto her inner chest. When she finally digested his confession and realised that the look on his face wasn't nerves but shame, her mind snapped. "Who?! Who's abusing you?!"

He flinched at the tone and looked down, unable to keep his eye contact going. He fiddled with his fingers and felt his lip tremble in fear. He was more scared of her reaction to the culprit than her reaction to the abuse itself. This was the hard part that was taking a lot of stamina for him to even say.

"Jeno, tell me." The look on her face was scared and crazed, as though she would leap out of her seat and deal with them personally.

He stiffened at that expression and squeezed his eyes closed. It had to be done. "It's Jaewoo..."

Again, a silence proceeded the statement and it made his heart pound in his chest. The suspense of not knowing was getting to him, so he inched his eyes open and saw her face. She was breathing quickly and her eyes were so wide. He nearly felt his legs try to carry him straight back to Jaemin's arms, but a duty was a duty. He had to wait it out. "J-Jaewoo, you said?" She whispered harshly with an uneven, scared tone.

"Yes." He watched her face contort and look away from him as the tears finally welled up. He changed the position from her holding his hands to his hands holding hers. He wrapped them around hers and held them securely. He didn't take his eyes off her face as he waited for her to process the news and say something. All the while, he was just glad that her first question hadn't been "are you joking?" or "don't lie to me", because he only would have broken further.

"Jaewoo...my Jaewoo," she sniffed and felt the sob claw at her throat. "Jeno, how long have you been hiding this from me?"

He sighed and licked his lips because they had dried out in his nervous state. "Nearly four years."

She pushed her chair back and stood on her shaking legs. "Let's bring him in here. I-I need to hear it from him too."

Jeno felt his eyes widen as he shook his head. "No, please! I need you to stay here. Please don't try to talk to him. I know it's a huge ask, but trust in me that I would never lie. I've been lying through my teeth for so long now that there are no more left for me to use. This is the truth."

She felt the sob claw at her again and she covered her mouth and fell back into her seat with her head in her hands. Jeno watched her for a few moments as his heart shattered a bit further. There was nothing left to shatter and nothing left for him to feel regret. He just needed to wake up from the nightmare that had plagued him for four years more than it ever should have.

He stayed facing her as he walked backwards towards the door, and then he turned around and walked out of the kitchen, closing the kitchen door in his wake. There was music coming from Jaewoo's room and he knew that the cries from the kitchen wouldn't penetrate the sound barrier and reach him, so he ran up the stairs and to his room. He burst through the door with his heart pounding and wet tears trickling down his cheeks.

His friends all stood up with open arms and he ran straight for them, launching himself into possibly the tightest hug he had ever experienced. He shook as his eyes expelled tears and his breathing wouldn't steady no matter how much he tried.

"It's okay now," Jaemin whispered in his ear and kissed his forehead lovingly. "You've done half the work, so let's do the rest together, okay?"

He nodded and sniffed, the tears running dry as all that was left of his meltdown were the small, harsh inhales he took whilst burying himself in their scents. Chenle's was so warm and familiar, while Hyuck's was so confident and powerful and Jaemin's was charismatic and beautiful. He steadied himself and shuffled over to his bag, which was perched at the end of his bed. His phone was inside and he held it tightly with shaking hands. "Let's go downstairs," he murmured and beckoned them to follow.

Once they reached the kitchen, they opened the door and saw Mrs. Kim - still inconsolable - with her face still hidden in her hands.

"Mrs. Kim," he touched her shoulder tenderly and watched as her face emerged, red-eyed and pale with blotches on her cheeks. "I'm calling the helpline now." It all felt so fast that the words didn't compute with him before spilling out. Everything felt out of his control now and he felt that same feeling that he had felt the first time he had been on a rollercoaster. Chenle had taken him to an amusement park for the first time when he was sixteen and he had had his first experience on a rollercoaster.

That pit that had formed in his gut as the rollercoaster neared the top of the vertical climb, when he realised that there was nothing he could do to get off the ride or stop it from falling and he had to just sit it out as it tumbled over the edge and took him on a thrilling ride. The same feeling graced Jeno as he held his phone in his hand with the helpline number typed in and waiting to be dialled. He hadn't even remembered typing the numbers in. The amount of times he had tapped these numbers across the screen only to backspace flashed before his eyes.

He looked at Jaemin, Chenle and Donghyuck as, once again, his finger moved without his realising and hit the call button. The dial rang through the kitchen and silenced any sounds, including Mrs. Kim's sniffles. She watched as he wrapped his hand around hers and held it tight.

"Hello, this is the domestic abuse and rape helpline. Please state your business."

Jeno felt Jaemin's arms encircle him from behind and his lips graze along his neck before planting a loving kiss on his cheek. Jeno leaned into the touch and shakily opened his mouth to speak. "I-I'd like to report a case of domestic abuse."