dicey ↬ nomin

Ch.36

As the clock ticked on and the others went to sleep, Jaemin and Jeno stayed awake in the living room with a big cosy blanket spread across them. Jaemin's dad had arrived home at ten o'clock after a late shift at the airport and seemed very friendly. He was chatty and resembled his son a lot, although he was a bit more careful with what he said and seemed to think through his words before speaking, unlike Jaemin who would spout random sentences.

"It's so warm in here now," Jeno yawned and snuggled into the blanket, his shoulder pressed against Jaemin's as they huddled in a lump on the sofa.

The tv was showing the credits after their second movie, which had actually been a romance. Neither knew why they watched it, but neither asked each other. It just happened to be the next disc to put in the player.

Since the fire was crackling out with only red rocks and crispy logs left in it and no real flames, it was a nice atmosphere and a comfortable room to spend a lot of time in. Jaemin stared at the credits, but didn't really see them. He was just staring. But Jeno was no different with his eyes glued to the waning fire and the cinders sparking out.

Jaemin was contemplating asking Jeno more about Jaewoo and their history together, but it would have completely ruined the mood. But what mood was there to ruin when the elephant in the room was waiting to be talked about, though? He grimaced when he pictured the guy's face and he felt Jeno's head fall onto his shoulder.

"Ask away," he muttered, his eyes unable to be torn away from the fire and becoming blurry with the need to blink. He finally looked up at Jaemin from his shoulder and then back at the tv.

The pink strands of hair that covered Jaemin's forehead were brushed aside when he considered how to word the question. "Are...are you okay?"

Jeno nodded his head and pursed his lips. "Is that all?"

"N-no....." He sunk more into the couch and felt the cushions sink with him. He didn't really know what to ask, in all honesty, but he knew that Jeno knew what to answer with, so he decided that he'd take a back seat for once and see if any of his questions could be answered on their own. "You know," he began and tilted his head away from the shoulder that Jeno was lying on. "You always make me do all the talking. How about you do it this time?"

Jeno, in confusion, looked at Jaemin's face and blinked. To say that he wanted to pour his life story into a glass for Jaemin to drink would be incorrect, but he was also aware that the boy did know, and he was involved now whether he liked it or not. Lying would only spur trust issues between them. Besides, Jaemin had been left in the dark for a very long time, and it would have been unfair to leave him there any longer.

He also knew that there was so much debris in his mind, emotionally and mentally, which probably made him unstable. He had never really viewed himself as unstable, but when he truly thought about it, everything he did was controlled by fear and anxiety. It would be a good topic to start on, especially since Jaemin seemed genuinely concerned for his mental health. "Actually, Jaemin, I'm not okay."

Jaemin knew that this was the case anyway, but he just stayed still and looked away from the blank tv screen which was making his eyes hurt to look at.

"I'm actually not okay, and I don't know if you knew, but I'm not too good physically either." Not expecting such a small sentence to take such a toll on him, he fell into a state of confusion over why his heart ached. He was feeling a burning sensation at the back of his eyes that he had felt too many times before, but he had never learnt to suppress it, which allowed the tears to flow without interception. As his eyes welled with the tears that had been held, perhaps, for longer than he had realised, he sniffed and lifted the corner of the blanket to wipe them away. "I don't know much about what's normal, but I know that what I feel isn't."