Save Our Sorry Selves

Chapter 2

Do you know what it's like to face death at any moment? At any second? That every word you say, every blink, every breath you take, might be your last? Or have even ever questioned what death would feel like? Does it hurt? Is it painless?  I know I never could, until today, the day that changed our lives forever. That changed my  life forever. 

***********************************************************************************************

2 hours before

Monday

I jammed my car keys into the ignition. I couldn't focus. Today was probably the worst my dad has been ever since last year. The worst year of my life. My life turned to shit. Because of my brother. My dad had been the most effected of what had happened to him. They had a father-son bond that seemed impossible to lose. Until it was gone. 

My dad had kicked my calve harder than he normally would, the feeling of a huge bruise forming. I rubbed it as I turned on my large black Cadillac. The only reason I had this car was my dad giving it as a grieving gift for my brother. He threw his money as if it were candy, he never would have done that. In fact, he was the complete opposite, stingy and cheap. He had always had anger issues, but after my brother's passing, he became 10 times worse. My mom almost never came home, due to the fact her husband was an alcoholic who beat the shit out of her everyday. But my mom wasn't any better. She wasn't even trying to hide the fact that she was cheating on him with a man who had just graduated from university. She's in her mid 30's mind you. And the only reason my parents were staying together was for my sake, till I turned 18.

I guess my life wasn't pretty. But it used to be. All because of him. My perfect brother, with his charming looks, his popularity, his wit, his kindness and compassion, and of course, his heart of a hero. And now, he was rotting 6 feet under, where everyone will be eventually. 

Today was the anniversary of his passing, he would have turned 19. My  dad had made that very clear this morning when he woke up while I was shoving cereal in my mouth. His words still etched in my mind. " You worthless, disgusting, piece of shit. It should have been you. It should have been you. It should have been YOU!" 

I opened my clenched fists and eyes. I couldn't remember the last time I cried.Even today, I couldn't bring myself to. Well, besides the night my brother died. I shakily pulled my car out of the driveway and zoomed down my street to Palmtree High School. 

As I pulled into my parking space, I try to slow my breathing, the only thought in my head  my dad's flaring grey eyes as he charged at me, yelling, then kicking my calve in anger, hurt, pain. I turned of the ignition as I pulled out my antidepressants from my glove compartment. I still remember the day I was diagnosed with atypical depression. My parents knew I was depressed,but didn't know what to do except take me to a therapist. I told her exactly how I felt. I felt happy temporarily when I was laughing at a joke, or I had a food I was craving, or even with  my best friend Peter Holmes. But the happiness faded as soon as the moment was over. I felt exhausted, tired all the time. Ever since his slow passing. The pills let me fake happiness while I am at school, with my popular group of friends, whose company I didn't even care for honestly, but we all formed our group back freshman year, there was no escaping them. 

I swallowed them in a gulp with a sip of lukewarm water I found in the cup holder for who knows how long it's been there. I then close the bottle and look in my mirror. I practice my fake smile as I put on Cherry Chapstick. My friends knew I was never the same since the passing, but they thought I was doing alright. I was. Really. I was. I am. 

As soon as I hop out of my car, Peter greets me first with a friendly punch on the shoulder. "Whassup cowgirl?" "Ew. Please stop." I said with a small smile. The rest of my group came. Each coming up as if we were in a parade. Alex was the second to come up to us. He was the clown of the group, along with Peter, but even more so. "Hi bitches how's it going?" I gave him a head nod as him and Peter did the bro handshake. Then Riley, Sofie, JJ, and Luke came. We weren't the most popular group, but everyone knew who we all were. "Ughhh. I can't believe we have to run the mile today. Mrs. Spears didn't even train us to properly run it." Riley complains. She has a point though, she never did. Which is why I personally go out running every evening until it gets dark. The evening was the perfect time to run. It wasn't hot like daytime, but not completely dark like the night. Evening tied the day and the night together beautifully, the in between, just like how I fitted into the group. 

P.E. was my third hour, right before lunch, so I had time to mentally prepare for it. Until then, all I could think of  was the haunting of my brother. He was loved by everyone. The jocks, the outcasts, the cheerleaders, the nerds, the teachers, the list goes on. Everywhere I go, I see his face. At school, I would see his ghost, smiling kindly at me, standing next to his usual group of friends, the jocks. He played practically every sport the school had to offer. So he obviously made friends with the assholes. Jowen Hendrix, his best friend, stood by his locker, his strong forearm wrapped around his girlfriend Chloe Marks. They had been dating even while my brother was alive. Who would've guessed he was my brother's best friend? They were polar opposites. My brother, kind to literally anyone he met, Jowen, a total dickhead to anyone he met. When Jowen would come over, he would hardly acknowledge my presence except a quick head nod which I rolled my eyes at each time he looked away. Things were awkward between us, even though he was actually the same grade as me and somehow became best friends with someone 2 years older, we never got along. Now, we said even less to each other, well nothing  at all to be exact. 

Percy was standing right next to Jowen, his back turned to me. As I walked even closer, he slowly turned around a small smile on his face, his brown hair radiating off the fluorescent lights on the ceiling. Chloe was giggling at something Jowen had said, her gorgeous red locks bouncing. The rest of the jocks in letter men jackets blended together. My brother had introduced them to me, but they all kinda blended together, the same person replicated into 8 people. My eyes moved back to Percy, his dark brown eyes full of happiness. He was in a better place, he wasn't suffering anymore.  And he was standing right here alive, right? One of the many plaid flannels he had was glowing a little more than anyone around him. That's when I blinked and he was gone. He was never here. I saw his ghost so often I couldn't tell whether he was really there or not.

"What are you looking at?" Peter asked concerned. I looked at him for second. His eyes searching for mine to see what was wrong. "Oh. Um. Nothing. Sorry I thought I saw something." "Yea you saw the horniest couple in school." Alex replied with a grin. I chuckled along with the rest of us. 

The bell rang as I headed to Chemistry first hour, walking with Sofie, she talked on and on about her family's new vacation house they bought in the Bahamas. I nodded while hearing, but not listening. A familiar scent filled my nostrils as I looked. A scent that was pushed to the back of my mind, a scent that I smelled often when Percy was still alive. My eyes met with light brown ones for a fraction of a second, the eyes I saw daily come to my house to play video games with my brother. As quickly as I saw him, Jowen disappeared into his English class down the hall as I continued down it.