A Solace for Scars

one

Loud.

It's so loud, not just inside this bar with jam pack people but also in my mind. I can hear echos of scream that tells me to die. Like, jump in a building or just drink alcohol 'til morning and wait for my verdict.

This party didn't even made me forget the mere reason why I am here.

I downed my glass, nilapag ko ito sa harapan ng bar tender at ngumisi. I motioned him for another drink, sighing, he poured me another shot.

Nope, hindi pa ako lasing. I can still hear every noises loud and clear. I can still recite multiplication table one to twelve clearly. Pero ramdam ko na ang kibot sa ulo ko, gusto ko din sumuka but I don't think i would puke now. Maybe, later.

Tahimik kong ininom ang isang shot at tumayo. Drinking's done. I needed fresh air. Naglapag lamang ako ng ilang libo at pagewang-gewang na naglakad palabas. Dama ko ang lakas ng speaker, I can even feel butts as I walk by the messy dance floor. Tanging hagikgik lamang ang nagiging sagot ko. It's not as if they would mind, they're drunk and they're making out.

The moment I was out of that small stage, I felt a little sane. Although my sight's still spinning a little. Agad akong naglakad papuntang banyo at sumuka ng kaunti. I just don't want to vomit while I'm doing stuffs. That would be gross, right?

After throwing up, I washed my face and gurgles my mouth. I stared at my reflection, I look like a utter mess.

My mascara's drenched, probably because I cried. My lips look so dry, my hair's like a nest, I can imagine birds chirping while preparing to land up in my head. I chuckled at my thought and tied my hair in a bun.

May babaeng lumabas galing sa isang cubicle and she has a pouch.

With a fake smile, “Do you have a dark red shade of lipstick? Or black?” I asked. I just wanted to hide my dry and scarred lips.

Gulat pa muna ako nitong tinignan at tumango, she shook her head and stared at my messy face. “You look like a messy addict.” she commented.

“I'll take that as a compliment,” I murmured and she frowned.

I chuckled dryly as I opened the pouch she handed to me. I looked for the shade I like, and it was still sealed. I smiled wickedly as I opened it.

“You know, you can have that. And fix yourself please. Baka matokhang ka,” she said after washing her hands and fixing herself.

“Well thank you,” Sabi ko habang pinapasadahan ang labi ko ng lipstick, I want it darker. Really dark. “I actually don't mind if I'd be matotokhang though.”

I chuckled dryly again. Nailing na lamang ang babae, like she knew there's nothing that could change my mind.

“Some wanted to live, so breathe for them,” she quoted as she marched outside. Doon lamang ako natawa ng totoo, I can even feel my throats dryness because of course, I've been drinking liquors and I hadn't downed water.

But that woman's words? They're so fucking funny that it's making my stomach churn for more laughters.

Breathe for those who wanted to live? No fucking way.

They died because that's their faith. They died because they chose it. They chose to end their lives, then be it. But living for them? That's plain stupidity. What if I wanted to die, will they die again because I failed to breathe?

They chose their faith, why would they regret doing so and wanted a second life in this fucked up world? Did they think it's more ideal in here than wherever they are?