Begin Again

chapter eighteen

"WOW, YOU LOOK like shit."

I give Luke a blank look as he grabs my overnight bag from my hands, throws it into the trunk, and laughs when he realizes I'm not saying anything to his comment.

"I'm kidding." He lifts a loose curl from the bun that I am somewhat embarrassed to admit has been my signature for the last four days. "Well . . . maybe I'm not."

I smack his arm, and Luke laughs again, jogging over to the driver's side. I begrudgingly shuffle towards the passenger side, hopping into the warm car. Despite my sour mood, I am glad to see Luke happier than the one he'd been in on Thanksgiving. He is smiling, and his eyes are lighter than usual.

"Seriously though, are you good?" He spares me a look from the corner of his eye. It's a quick one, but I notice the apparent bout of concern that it holds. I manage a halfhearted shrug. To be honest, I'm not anywhere near the adjective of good. I haven't stopped crying since Miles saw me blatantly making out with my ex-boyfriend outside my apartment. Talia is still icing Veronica and I out, although when I'd left this morning to return to New Jersey, she'd left me a bagel with cream cheese from the bodega outside our apartment. I know it is her way of trying to sympathize with what had happened with Miles since she'd probably overheard me sobbing to Veronica in the living room about the entire debacle.

My heart aches when I think about Miles. When I think about the look he'd given me, that familiar look of pain and sorrow that I know all too well. As it had been the exact look I'd worn after Sebastian.

Thinking about that kiss leaves such a sour feeling in my mouth.

"You haven't spoken to Miles, huh?" I shake my head, allowing my eyes to remain on the passing scenery outside the car window.

"I've been calling and texting, but he hasn't replied." And I know he probably never will, not that I blame him. For two months, I'd allowed myself to lean on Miles as a crutch to help me get over my breakup. Whether I knew it or not, I had used his compassion and obvious attraction to me as a distraction. It makes me want to kick myself for how oblivious I'd been about his feelings.

I like Miles a whole lot. I want him as more than a friend. As more than a simple distraction. And as more than a goddamn rebound. It just sucks that it took me hurting him to realize it. To learn that his touch, kisses, and presence means more to me than anything in this world.

And I've gone and ruined it all.

Luke reaches out, grabbing my hand, which has been resting on my lap. He holds it over the center console, and I smile. It feels somewhat reminiscent of the last time we'd been in the car together when I'd picked him up from that party where he'd also gotten a piece of his heart broken.

"He's hurt. But trust me when I say this, the way Miles looked at you on Thanksgiving—that man would bend backward to see you laugh." My bottom lip trembles as I try to keep my emotions at bay. "He'd be an idiot to let you go." His lips twitch as a version of what I said to him all those months ago rings in the air.

"I think I'm the idiot in this scenario, Luke," I admit sadly. "I can't believe I had an amazing thing in my life, and I just had to go and ruin it."

Luke squeezes my hand tightly. "I'm making a rule right now. This weekend, you are forbidden from talking, thinking, and crying over Miles." I raise my brows at his defiant attitude.

"But–"

Luke glares at me, effectively cutting off my rebuttal. "I'm serious, Eves. Use this time away to laugh. To forget about all that damn drama back in the city. And I mean with both Miles and Talia."