Begin Again

chapter twenty

MY KNEE IS bouncing up and down, practically shaking the corner table I'd snagged at The Coffee Haus. Rechecking my watch, I realize Sebastian will be walking through the doors at any moment now. The nerves seem to claw their way up my throat as I allow my leg to keep moving up and down.

"Still not here, huh?"

I see Sabrina pouring another round of coffee into my empty mug. I've already downed the first one simply because I need to distract myself with something before I go insane with anxiety. Though, now I realize gulping down that coffee has probably added to my rising anxiety.

Shaking my head, I quickly thank her, pouring some creamer into it. "I'm about to shit my pants, Sab."

To my surprise, she shoots me a grim look, sliding into the chair across from me. The coffee shop isn't too busy, which is a shock considering it's a significantly warm Saturday for the middle of December.

"Why are you doing this?" she inquires, genuine curiosity coloring her voice.

Wringing my finger together, I shrug. "I'm tired of this back and forth. I need to speak with him and end whatever caused him to kiss me all those weeks ago."

Before Sabrina can respond, the bell above the door sounds, and I watch over her shoulder as Sebastian walks in, pulling his beanie off his head before shoving it into his coat pocket.

I hold up my hand to signal where I am sitting, and once he sees me, his posture goes rigid. I realize then that this is also a conversation Sebastian is dreading.

Sabrina quickly gets up, shooting Sebastian a polite smile, much to my relief. A part of me was a bit scared she'd spit in his drink or something, though she still has time to do that.

"Hi, can I get you anything?" she asks, pulling out her notepad.

"Just a water, please."

Sabrina nods, shooting me one last look before walking away, leaving Sebastian and me cloaked in a rather uncomfortable silence.

"I'm surprised you texted," he says softly, looking at me earnestly. My message had been pretty ambiguous, deciding I didn't want to say everything over a text message. I'd asked him to meet me at The Coffee Haus to talk.

Nodding, I take a small sip from my coffee. "Yeah, I figured we needed to clear the air, especially after what happened at Helena's party and with the kiss."

At the mention of both of those events, Sebastian cringes slightly. I notice that his appearance isn't as polished as it usually is. His blonde hair is messily styled, a few tendrils falling onto his forehead. Dark circles are underneath his eyes, and his button-down shirt is extremely crinkled as if he'd pulled it from the bottom of his laundry basket. Even his eyes look a lot duller.

Our conversation is briefly halted as Sabrina comes back with a glass of water, Sebastian thanking her before taking a large gulp of his drink.

"I'm sorry about everything, Evie," he says hoarsely. His voice is thick with emotion, and I blink, not expecting it. "And I'm not just talking about the last two months. I mean for everything. For not being the best boyfriend, not defending you when my parents were being assholes, and not being there for you like I should've."

"Why'd you kiss me?"

He blinks, probably surprised that I haven't acknowledged his apology. I appreciate it, but Sebastian has been saying sorry for many things since we broke up, and I'm tired of hearing the apologies without any explanations.

"It's complicated," he settles on. "I never wanted to break up with you, but my parents . . ." He trails off, focusing on the top of his glass instead of looking at me.