Mezcla

Blowing Hot and Cold

I have to admit that when we decided to move to the Costa Blanca we imagined it would always be warm, even in winter. I had looked at annual temperature graphs, but they only gave the average daytime temperatures, which were impressive. It turned out that the nights are a different story and our first cold spell came as quite a shock. We didn't expect to be wearing winter woollies in Southern Spain.

During the day was fine, but it was obvious we needed some sort of heating for the evenings.

We looked at several options and then my friend John pointed out that our house had a 'pre-installation' for air conditioning, and we could have a dual system that would blow both hot and cold air.

That seemed like a good idea, so The Boss and I toured the local aircon companies until we found one that appeared well established ... and likely to stay in business for the next few months. The salesman spoke English and seemed knowledgeable about the latest technological developments. We asked for a quote and he asked for the size of the house in square metres. I told him and he raised his eyebrows.

'That is a big house,' he remarked, busily calculating square metres times thermal units multiplied by euros.

Now, I should point out that the Villa MacBride is not immense but it does have a huge basement garage, the same footprint as the entire ground floor. This was included on the official documents stating the total size of the house in square meters, and this was the figure I gave the salesman. That, I realized much later, was a serious error on my part.

The estimate was eye-watering and my hand shook as I read it. The Boss turned pale and said we should try another company. The salesman shrugged.

Two other estimates were more or less the same, so we went back to our original guy and negotiated a discount for cash.

***

A few days later a small army of technicians arrived with a truck full of boxes. These were unpacked and left in the garden to form a small shanty town. The inside of our villa was strewn with exotic-looking components and miles of electrical cable.

One of the upstairs bathrooms had a false ceiling and this was removed to reveal a large compartment extending into the roof, designed specifically for contraptions such as ours. I was impressed, the architect had thought of everything.

I was even more impressed when the beast was assembled and installed up in its lair. It took four big muscular men to lift it into position. It was about the size of a Ford Fiesta, which was appropriate because it cost about the same. One of the techs told me they usually only put this model in office blocks. He seemed puzzled as to why we had ordered such a massive system. But I rubbed my hands with satisfaction. There'd be no more cold nights when this baby fired up.

A heat exchanger was installed in the garden on a concrete plinth. It had two enormous fans that could have powered a cross-channel hovercraft.

'You better go to the garden center and buy some bushes,' The Boss told me, 'because I don't want to look at that monstrosity.'

Once everything was connected up and air vents had been cut into the ducting, the electrician screwed a supercomputer to the wall and handed me an instruction book the size of an encyclopaedia. If I'd dropped it on my foot it could have caused permanent damage.

'Just show me how to switch it on and off,' I pleaded.

Years later, the system is still working fine, but we can still only switch it on and off and select hot or cold. The manual is far too complicated for The Boss and me to understand, you'd need a degree in computing technology to learn how to program the thing properly ... or a weekend with Sheldon Cooper.

But ... what a system! When I switch it on all the sparrows get sucked off the garden fence and the streetlamps go dim. The ducts that are built into the house are outsize. They're the sort of ventilation ducts that James Bond crawls through to escape his enemies, and I never knew my friend John wore a toupee until he happened to walk under one of the air vents one evening.

So I have to make a public apology to all the people who live near us. You know all those power cuts you keep having? Those rumours about rodents chewing the cables are nonsense. It's because we've switched our heating on. There's not enough electricity left for the rest of you.

***

We spent the rest of that short winter basking in sub-tropical heat and congratulating ourselves ... until we saw the next electricity bill. After I'd recovered from the shock I stalked around the house muttering obscenities until I came up with the solution.

'It's all these French windows,' I told The Boss. 'All the heat is escaping. We need some good thick curtains to insulate the place.

'Curtains?' The Boss said. 'I'm not having curtains, they're too old fashioned. I've got a much better idea ...'