Driven To Depression

Chapter 3

Memory loss

It's been almost three years since Ethan and Mom passed away, and every single day seems like just yesterday. Their memories stays registered in my head and everytime, I wish I could turn back the hands of time and prevent the incident, if only I could. Aunt Lola and her family moved out of the country last year to pursue their new jobs, I couldn't go with her because Dad needs me now more than any time else. Actually after the accident, Dad started showing some symptoms which the doctor confirmed to be as a result of his Alzheimer's disease which worsened due to the loss of his loved ones. From what the doctor said, I fear that one day the only family I have left would eventually forget about my existence and I'll be left all alone in the world.

I still could not bring myself to accept that my family which was once so lively and cheerful has turned to be so boring and heartbreaking. At first I didn't want to return back to school and skipped two years just to stay away from people's pity and questions about my family but then it was hard spending all day with a Dad who could barely remember my name, and who keeps asking about my Brother and Mother, especially now that Aunt Lola is no longer here.

Before Aunt Lola left, I asked her to register me for the new section, although I know my friends and classmates would no longer be my friends and classmates since I'll be two years behind, but still I wanted to go back to the one school which I and Ethan once went, with our hands entwined as we walked back home, it was the closest school to our house, the easiest to reach home in time. No matter how much I wanted to run away from reality, I still wanted to return back to a place which held so much memories of Ethan and I, and that place aside home was our school.

Putting on my school uniform seemed so strange to me, it seemed as if I don't fit in anymore. My hair had grown shorter and my skin thinner, I could barely see the cuteness everyone once gushed about Ethan and I. And now I could only imagine the looks of pity that would be on their faces on seeing me and how frustrating it would be to hear their unending condolences, just like the last time they came visiting when Ethan and Mom passed away.

When I finally summoned the courage to go to school today, I went to dad's room to inform him that I'm leaving, even though I knew he might not remember, still I had to tell him, I had to at least lift myself that little burden. On reaching his room, I knocked on the door and then turned the lock open to enter.

"Brenda, is that you?" he asked as he sat up on his bed.

"Dad, It's me Ella." I said in a soft voice, as I tried so hard to hold back my tears. "I'll be going to school now."

"School? Ain't  you going with your brother Ethan, where's Ethan by the way?" he stretched his head to look if Ethan was hiding behind me.

"He has gone to school." I said off guard. Truthfully, I was tired of reminding him Mom and Ethan was gone, and the more I reminded him, the more the reality hits me hard. "Mom drove him to school already. I'm running late Dad, I have to go."

"But.." tears took it's path down my cheeks as I ran out of his room through the out door, not even waiting to hear what he wanted to say, for I already knew it would be another repetition.

*****

I pulled up my jacket hood to cover my face as I walked into school hoping I won't be stopped or recognized by anyone, but it was only false hope when my best friend Anna called out my name. She is someone who would still recognise me even though I had a plastic surgery to change my looks, that was how close we were.

"Ella, I've missed you." She enveloped me in a hug but I remained stiffed.

To my very surprise, we didn't draw much attention, which made me realise I was the only one who seemed to have been grieving and dwelling in my past.  Things have changed so much here, new faces, new people, my then classmates were now in their final year, they are the only ones who would have shown sympathy towards me but then, we were no longer in the same class, so I felt a bit of relief.

"Anna, here you are." Mandy said as she came and held Anna's hand, she was also surprised to see me but didn't show any excitement. Mandy was also my classmate but not my best friend. "Hey, Hi Ella."

"Hi Mandy" I replied dryly.

"Besty, we should go now, classes will begin soon." she pulled Anna with her.

"I'll see you later Ella." Anna screamed as she waved me good bye and I waved back at her.

"Besty.." I whispered to myself. What was I expecting, Anna now has another besty, of course she was going to have another, it's not like I kept in touch when I left school and we are no longer in the same level, things were definitely meant to change with or without me, like they say, life goes on. But then, I wasn't the only one who didn't keep in touch, she also made no effort to check up on me all the while, was I only important when available?

After school time was over, I pulled up my hood and made my way through the gates and straight home, avoiding conversation with anyone or even giving way to new friends. To avoid stories of my painful past, I just had to avoid new friends who are only interested to feed their curiosity and nothing more.

When I got home, I noticed Dad had not touched his breakfast I left in the dining table, so I knew his condition must be getting worse, enough for him to forget the way to the dining hall I guessed. I warmed the meal and took it to his room which was in a mess, as mom's photo was all over the floor and he also held one in his hands, hugging it tightly.

"Dad?" I called softly as I dropped the meal on his night stand and went to squat in front of him.

"She left me, Brenda left me, how could she, why would she!" he sobbed.

"It's Okay Dad, I'm here for you." he looked up to me and called my name softly which made me smile and tear up at the same time, I felt so much calmness, like it was the first time to hear my name being called so softly by my Dad. "Here I brought you your meal Dad, eat up."

"I'm not hungry Ella, I don't want to eat." he said turning his face away.

"But you haven't eaten since morning, you need to eat dad."I carried the food from the stand and tried to feed him but he hit the spoon away.

"I said I'm not hungry! Why don't you get it, I'm not hungry!" he began to weep. "I just want Brenda to come feed me, I can only eat what she cooks."

"Mom is dead!" I said angrily. "she's gone, Ethan is gone too! I'm the only family you have left, I'm the only one who can feed you now. So please eat."

"Brenda.. Ethan.. No, no, No!" He cried bitterly.

At this point all I could do as well was to weep, to weep all my sorrows, but no matter how hard I wept, the pains just won't go away, it just won't stop aching.

Dad and I cried for what seemed like hours before he finally fell asleep, I couldn't carry him and place him on the bed so I just brought down a pillow to support his head with it and then covered him with a blanket as the ground was cold. When he had properly fallen asleep, I packed up all mom's photos and put them back in the drawer, then I closed the door gently and went to my own room.

When I got to my room, it was hard to fall asleep since all I could dream about lately is Ethan's body laying dead in front of me and mom's words of rejection echoing in my head, so I just picked up my book to read, hoping that it would make the thoughts all go away for a while.

As the days went by, dad's condition worsened and life was gradually becoming meaningless to me. Seeing how helpless I was to my dad, it seemed as if my existence was of no use. I could not bring back the memories of Mom and Ethan he had forgotten eventually, neither could I prevent him from forgetting mine too. This then brings me to the question, have I a reason to live again?

Thanks for reading.