Driven To Depression

Chapter 4

Unbearable Pain

It was tough but I was able to get through to the end of this academic section. Everyone seem so happy about the upcoming end of the year party, especially the graduating students which were my ex classmates. But my case was different, in my case, I feel nothing to be excited about, I don't even know why I'm living or what I'm living for. Why do I even go to school when there's no one to acknowledge my good grades or even commend me for my efforts, when Ethan is not even here to work the journey with me. If my own graduation comes who would be here with me, I could only cry thinking about all this and knowing that I could change nothing about my miserable life.

As usual after hearing the closing bell, I put on my backpack and wore on my hoodie ready to leave the school walls. Even though it wasn't cold, I have gotten use to hiding my little self in my hoodie, it feels so warm and comforting and makes me avoid people who doesn't really care afterall.

I took one more glance at my classmates who were all engaged in one activity or another, chatting, some laughing and discussing with all excitement about the upcoming event. I felt so small and unnoticed or they simply got tired of me who was no fun, no one wanted to be friends with me anymore since when they tried, I was too scared to let anyone in, they all just pass by.

I walk so fast, faster than usual, eager to exit the school gates. I walked so fast because I didn't want anyone to notice the tears which was taking its path uncontrollably through my cheeks. Why couldn't I be happy, why couldn't I smile like they all do, why was I the only one in so much pain, why was I the only one whose got no one to share my pains and happiness with, whyyyy..
I squeezed my chest so hard as I couldn't take the unbearable pain which seemed as if it was going to reap my heart out.

When I got to the gate, I stopped a bit to take a hold of my breath and then suddenly I heard someone scream out my name from afar.

"Ella!" it was Anna, who seem to have been calling my name all the while but I took no heed.

"Ella wait.." I quickly exited the gate and unexpectedly started running home not waiting to hear what she had to say to me, I didn't care what she had to say, I just wanted to reach home as soon as possible and bury myself under my blankets, so I could cry as much as I wanted.

"I'm home." I murmured almost breathlessly to myself, knowing fully well no one cared, there's actually no one who would.

I walked slowly and gently into Dad's room to check on him and as usual, his meal was laying untouched in the night stand while he slept peacefully like a baby. Sleeping has turned his normal daily routine, which is why staying home all day doesn't interest me at all, school doesn't either, but at least it helps me get distracted from the constant thoughts of Ethan and Mom. I sighed and left after I've confirmed Dad was still breathing.

When I got to my room, I sat hopelessly on my bed and roamed my eyes around my room which gets emptier by the day. No it was my heart which was getting empty by each passing day seeing what I once called home turn into a mere house, or rather a mere building.

"Mom.." I called out softly as I reached out for mom's photo which stood on my night stand. I ran my fingers on her hair, then her face, touching every path of it, trying to feel her presence. "You're so beautiful."

I sniffled in my tears as I tried to have a conversation with her, her photo. "You know I miss you so much Mom. I wish you never left me.. You never left us. Dad's condition wouldn't have gotten so worse if you were here, he loved you so much Mom..."