Driven To Depression

Chapter 5

My Final Choice

"Hey Ella, it's nice you came." Anna greeted me as soon as I entered her house.

"Hi Anna." I waved with a faint smile, soon Mandy came from nowhere and hugged Anna from behind.

"Hey bestie, here you are." she said and then turned to look at me. "Oh Ella, you're here already. Why so early?"

"Just." I replied.

Actually I had finish up all the cleaning early, eager to come to this pool party before it gets crowded and since dad was asleep, I left him a short note. I don't know if he would care or be able to understand the contents or not, but now there's no going back, my mind was made up.

"You can seat over there for now." Anna pointed at a chair at one corner of their large living room. "The party will start in about thirty minutes time, the others will be here soon."

This is the right time, Anna, Mandy and a few friends were busy making preparations for the party so no one would even notice, it's better I take the chance now.

"Wait Anna.." I stopped Anna who was about to leave. "Where's the pool please?"

"You want to go there now?" she asked.

"Yes. I'd prefer to wait there instead."

"Alright, come I'll show you." she was about to start leading the way but I stopped her.

"No, I can go on my own." Anna and Mandy furrowed their brows and stared at me. "I mean you girls must have a lot to fix, so just tell me which path to take and I'll go on my own."

"Very thoughtful of you." Mandy said and then they both described the direction of the pool of which I immediately fled off to.

When I found the pool, I felt so relieved, the coolness coming from the pool and the open air brought my mind to rest. This is my chance.

****

Here I am standing only a step distance to the pool, at this moment I only wanted to disappear, far away where no-one would find me, afterall no one would. The thought of this shoved my head and I wanted so desperately to drown, I was already drowning anyways, yeah I didn't enter into the pool yet but I've lived my past life drowning.

From the point I lost my twin brother to the accident, I could barely breathe, the Unbearable pain in my chest, the feeling of water flooding my lungs, I was drowning in my own world, with no one noticing, which made made me feel so small as small as nothing.

At this moment lumps of tears clouded my eyes, and when the thought of my mom shoved my head, I couldn't control the warm tears running down my cheeks. Did she have to leave me to? Was I so unimportant to let my brother's death consume her, why did she have to die slowly but painfully, I needed her, dad needed her to. I could only think of how miserable my family became after my brother's death, how further apart we grew, we completely stopped knowing how to be family, I was so exasperated by all this.

As if loosing mom was not enough now my da..dad, did I have to loose him to? Yes not the way I lost mom and brother but What difference was it, loosing someone to Alzheimer's disease, was just same thing as loosing them to death. The only family I was left with, he can't even remember anything about people he once loved, not Ethan, not mom, not even me who was left with him. The frustration is just too much for me to bear and now I wanted so much to disappear.