Dear Shania

Chapter 4.

I spent the week thinking of her.The genius.The brave genius.I did not think of her in the typical 'iam so inlove' way...sorry never.

Iam shaquan Roy Clarence Roberts and I never did fall in love.That is one resolution I always reminded myself of.I slept with so many women but never got attached and it's not because none of them interested me.Trust me I wished I could just be a normal twenty four year old with a girlfriend,a job and probably a future.

I couldn't though,anyone who came into my life was bound to be destroyed.That girl at the church?She scared me.She saw through me!

Hell even Julius never did.We got drunk together and I never even for once slipped and told him about me.I didn't even know her name and the first time we have a conversation she confidently says and I quote:"I know you have problems and I wish I could solve them for you,"

That night when we sought safety in the church....Yes we did...let me hope you were not seriously thinking I went there to pray.Don't misread me I believe in God.

But maybe if you lost everyone you ever loved despite asking God not to allow it  happen,if your only daughter-the person you could go to hell and back for was at risk of closing her eyes and never opening them again,if you were the man who couldn't sleep with a knife in your house,if you were the man who couldn't sleep with your daughter and cuddle her like you would have wished to because you don't want to hurt her you might understand why I gave up on prayers.

If you don't, sorry life is not about understanding everything and everyone.

I cried to God so many times asking him to protect all the people I loved but the opposite always happened.Can you blame me for learning to survive and most importantly protect the people I love?

It's like what they say that when you throw a child who doesn't know how to swim in a river,as long as they don't die,they will kick and kick until they finally learnt how to swim.That is what happened to me.

I had taken Carlita for a walk that night.Watching stars with her just made my days.As we sat in the park close to the church in silence her head on my laps,I spotted a dark figure behind a tree.It was so late at night and my survival instincts kicked in.

The fact that he darted behind the tree when I took a closer look confirmed my suspicions.He was upto no good.The church nearby was my only hope.Not that I wanted to run away.Not at all.

It's just that I protected my daughter so much from my past and she had no idea that her father-that sweet man had killed several men and paralysed uncountable people who didn't deserve to be in this world.She couldn't watch me fight.

I stood and carrying Carlita on my shoulder walked towards the church."Papi..." She wanted to ask why we were leaving but I didn't let her."Just close your eyes,"I said patting her head lovingly,"iam going to show you something."

I didn't want her to see the idiot following us.I put her down at the door and asked her to get in as I pick something for her.She obeyed without a word and I got my chance to wait for that little piece of shit.

The moment my fist made contact with his nose,he was already begging for mercy.What a coward."The boss knows the child's father and he says he will claim her legally,"the lean man with sharp features said trembling,"he says you hid his child from him."

I don't know if it was the fact that they wanted to take Carlita away from me but I instantly felt my knees weakening.

The man took the opportunity to quickly disappear.So you can't blame me for getting defensive when I saw my daughter with a stranger.I thought she was working with them....my enemies

Hell my over thinking mind even convinced me that she had bumped into me at school intentionally.But now... now I missed...no I wished she could appear out of nowhere and see through my pain... again

I found myself grabbing a pen and my notepad.Years of being on my own taught me to write my pain,my feelings generally everything

Dear Miss genius,
   You probably won't ever read this...
  But I'm still writing it
  Because I can't say it to you

  For years I built a defensive wall around me...
  A wall nobody ever broke through
  Well nobody apart from you

  I should be staying away from you because I don't want anyone to know my past....I should be scared of you because you clearly can see through me...

  But for some reason...some weird reason I want you around me all the time...I wish you were here....

Weird statement.Did I really wish she was with me? I don't know but it was already down on paper and I wasn't going to erase it....if my mind thought so then so be it.

I took a glance at the wall clock in my study...2am. I had been working almost all night! Sorry I didn't tell you i run my father's company.I mostly worked behind the scenes though and only appeared in the office once or twice a month...by now iam sure the reason is obvious.

I kept my notepad safely in the drawer,closed the files and headed to bed.I passed by Carlita's bedroom and peeped in.She was snoring away peacefully and for a moment I envied her....she could sleep peacefully.

The last thing on my mind before I drifted off to sleep was miss genius. I made a mental note to look for her the next day at school and ask her name.Maybe just maybe I will stop thinking about her if I do.