i'm feeling better 'lately' like it's not been just a week since i posted that self rant thing. but okay nvm. i just wanted to say that i motivated myself to just work hard for what i want. a part of me still doesn't wants to believe that i have to work a long time for it, but i don't care about that.
those 'perfect' bodies still makes me insecure tho. and every time when i'm walking on the streets with shorts, i feel like people are looking at me while they are clearly not. and i also feel like there is one friend of mine who ditched me just because i'm chinese and fat :/ but probably not bc i'm fat but bc i'm chinese and dw i hate him too.
anyways, i think i should make my meals myself since i feel like the nutrition part of my weight loss journey is not good enough but then i'll probably starve myself or just eat 1 or 2 meals a day idk. no jk i'll just eat as healthy as i possibly can but idk maybe my parents don't let me do it.
oh btw yesterday i had to go to school and like when i was about to start biking, i fell. liKE I JUST STOOD ON MY BIKE AND THEN BAM I FELL AND I THINK I SLIPPED LIKE 20 CM OVER THE GROUND AJHSHWGAH.
i was with a friend and idk i just don't feel like she's a real friend. she didn't ask how i was doing after i slipped over the ground she was just gasping and it almost looked like she was about to laugh but she covered it with saying 'omg that must hurt i know how it feels' and i was almost glaring at her with a "gurl dis not abt u dis abt me i fell u didn't" look and one time we were doing a kind of test thing and i was just running until i couldn't anymore but i was like the first who stopped so i was really upset and i got so upset that i was silently crying in the class while sitting next to the teacher and i just hoped nobody saw but i knew she (the friend) did. like i am not afraid to fail, i am just getting upset if i failed, like i just got the feeling that i did everything wrong and that my life is just wrong and it should not support to exist or smth.
and this "friend" made it worse BC SHE OBVI SAW ME CRYING BUT WHEN SHE STOPPED RUNNING SHE DIDNT EVEN ASK ME HOW I WAS DOING OR WHY I WAS CRYIN. THE FIRST THING SHE FRICKIN SAID WAS "omg i was starting to get nervous when u stopped. why did u stop so early tho, i was cheering u up but then u suddenly wasn't running next to me anymore" i was like bitch wtaf my tears are flowing bc i felt like i did something wrong and you are coming to tell me that i actually did something wrong while the problem didn't even exist. but okay. like the girls were running first and afterwards the boys will run. so after the boys ran too, something special happened :D like i thought no one but this friend and the person who happened to stop after me saw me crying but apparently not 😗✌🏻 like after that the teacher made us set some things in that room so we did. we were done after 5 minutes or so and then my ex(?)-crush came to me and said softly 'hey, why were you crying right there' BUT MY FRICKING DEAF EARS DIDNT HEAR HIM AND WAS LIKE 'huh?' but i guess he got embarrassed and just said 'u did well' and walked away but that made me sadder tho bc i didn't do well bro i'm just sayin. later after a minute i figured out what he said and i was frickin confused since i didn't got why he asked me AND WHY HE SAW ME CRYING LIKE:
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like he was sitting on the other side of the room and there were like 30371628362 heads between us AND i thought nobody saw since it was not obvious enough for anybody to notice. but it made my day a little better tho. i'm grateful for that, thank u dean (not his real name unfortunately, just a nickname i use for friends bc his real name is quite cringe HAHAHAH IM SO RUDE) but anyways i'm still confused of how he saw it and why he mentioned it and he probably doesn't even care anymore OR he does bc he flirted with me like for a long time🤭 but i'm too shy to ask it so this will probably never get answered. :((( anyways, not that i care about this so much anymore. he broke my heart thrice without knowing probably. i'm trying to get over him and it's going the good way? jesus i'm already trying for almost two months. he sometimes just crosses my mind, but since i don't have any lessons anymore nor do i need to go to school, so i'm not thinking about him that much? anyways, my deer will probably start running again when i see him next year and if he starts flirting again istg i will punch him bc i don't want to get heartbroken nor do i want to get jealous bc he can spent so much happy time with those other girls but do i actually care? nah, i'll just think about donghyuck or seungmin or smth and hehehehr.
but tbh i really want a bf, but not him, he'll break my heart till no piece is over to break and he'll move on. i actually know what my ideal bf is but i guess i'll never meet him xd. i'll wait for my special time. and i learnt my lesson tho. i'll wait till that boy tell me he likes me and i won't say it first anymore. i hate how a boy reacts when tell him first. tsk.
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anyways thanks for reading its was just nonsense and me ranting around but thank you if you made it this far!
written 24-06-2020 posted 25-06-2020 word count: 1067
