Death is a Dream

PART 1: A Mothers Depart

When you think of losing someone forever you never really know what to expect to feel or think once destiny has taken away that person you once saw with life in their eyes, you don't know what to expect when you now you look at those eyes again but this time lifeless. The thinking never really prepares you for what's to come. Looking to my mothers lifeless body inside a box that's about to be buried feet underground is not something I was really prepare for. It's funny now that I think of it, even if the crash was ugly enough to take her life away it was not able to ruin her beauty, there was no need to make this close casket or to burn her to ashes and then sprinkle them into the ocean. Instead here she was beautiful as always even if she was dead. I bet when its my funeral I won't be able to beat my mothers beauty, I mean she is in a wood box and dead after a car crash and she still looks beautiful. I was not bless with her looks though, genetics is a bitch. Instead I am cursed with the appearance and resemblance of a coward who ran for milk 5 months before my birth. My mother had beautiful green eyes, light brown hair and freckles all over her face. I have simple ordinary poop eyes and brown boring hair.

I hate myself if you can't tell already. I am responsible for my mothers death and now the dead weigh for my poor 51 year old aunt, Erika. I was responsible for all of it, I had asked my mom to pick me up from the rehab therapy group early because I was not willing to go through it. She being the fucking caring woman she was of course agreed to my childish behavior and was on her way to pick me up. I was fill with anger after an 1 hour of her not showing up, well at least until a police car arrived for me. A ride that was only supposed to be 20 minutes felt like hours. I didn't know she was dead, they wouldn't tell me, they would just say there had been an accident. I was sure they were taking me to a hospital where she was going to recover. Instead I was taken to my neighbor's house until they clear all of this mess, (a damn child left behind). I was told she dead during breakfast by Mr. and Mrs.Noredomn. Lovely. An agent from child services was the first to give me a visit after the depart of my mother. I was now officially gonna be the pain in the ass of my aunt Erika.

When a child is given such tragic news it's expected for them to cry, breakdown,faint, etc. I..didn't do anything I just sat there quietly. No one really expected this reaction and I can guess by their looks that it weirds them out a bit. I didn't really feel anything, I just felt...numb. I struggles with depression if you have also not guess yet. I still felt something before this accident. I guess my last bit of emotions died with her. Can someone suffer without feeling pain?

This dress is uncomfortable and itchy. The food tastes like plastic and the people crying couldn't be faker. In the corner of the room I can see the group of coworkers of my mom, each single one of them crying but I can recall each one of them being a fake bitch to my mom during work. I still remember how Micheal spread rumors of my mom, how Britany always gave her dirty looks and how Isac was always harassing her. On there other corner there is Mr. and Mrs.Noredomn, they never even reply to my mom when she would say good morning and here they were with the crocodile tears. I know its harsh but its the truth. Yes you might be mean but not want someone dead but that doesn't mean that now you must mourn them even if you never talked to them in your entire boring existence. The only real person is my aunt. She was not crying but she did have a little sorrow look in her face. She did feel bad for the situation but her and mom lost contact throughout the years, Aunt Erika was an honest, kind woman and she would not fake some tears just because.

This whole funeral is really depressing and faker than a barbie, I think it's even sadder than my life. If mom could hear me she would laugh at my twisted sense of humor. She was always bright and happy. I have always acknowledge the fact that we where total opposites. She still loved me though, and I still wonder why.