Fragments.

The Sea is a Good Place to Think Of The Future

It's never really gone. You may write chirpy Facebook statuses, and smile for the camera, lie to relatives, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, but you aren't.

You'll never forget the desperate sadness, the one that clawed at your throat and bathed in your blood. You can't go back from something like that. It sticks to your skin and scars your mind.

Somehow you've learned to hide it, but it's still there, waiting for another opportunity to eat you alive. You looked okay, but when you got home you cut up your arms and stole your fathers pills. 

You tried as many pills as you could find, searching for one that could ease the pain permanently.

Why?

Because you were sick of thinking the thoughts. The ones that you created, you believed, you tried to tear from your mind with your bare hands. It was all your fault, and you deserved to feel the pain.

Everyday it was harder, every picture you saw, every word you wrote pained you. You were getting cracks in your bones and splinters in your smiles.

One day when you felt overheated and sick and helpless and stuck, you pulled yourself up from the carpet and walked out of your little suburban house.

You walked through the cloudy streets, ignoring the cold nipping your skin. You walked straight to the sea line.

You loved looking out at the ocean, and thinking over and over how infinite it was, how big. It was so fresh, and no matter how many shipwrecks filled it, the water continued to go in and out in and out.

The beach was nearly empty, but it wouldn't have mattered if you were completely alone, or surrounded by a million strangers.

You stripped down to your grey bra and underpants; pulling the navy dress over your head and untying your leather boots.

You walked unevenly towards the ocean, and stared widely at the never ending blue grey.

Closing your eyes, you slid in, teeth clenched and body tight as a coil of wire. The water welcomed you, pulling you under into its silence.

There, numb and awake, you thought of your future. 

Who on earth would you be?

Would you love, or would you stay hidden beneath your novels and headphones and cigarette pack?

Would you stop sleepwalking, and start eating again?

The water turned thoughts clear, unclogged the mess of the human brain, and in that moment you saw a girl you wanted to be. 

Someone who fought through depression and loss, and used the spark she'd had long ago to secure a life she wanted. Did you recognize that girl?

Did you notice she had your mothers eyes and scarred hands?

As you extracted yourself from the water and started shivering, you began to wonder if everything could've been different, if realizations were made earlier. Maybe you'd still have your mother in your life, smiling with you and tracing circles on your shoulders.

It was a small operation, one done on millions, one that had caused no panic or worry before hand. But they gave her the anesthetics and her throat started closing, and soon she wasn't breathing at all.

At fourteen you had to wear an itchy black dress as you sat in silence, unable to express the cacophony of things running through your mind searching desperately for an answer.

You never got one. You'd learned to ask question in your sleep, counting on your thin little fingers all the times people said they didn't know, didn't understand, didn't care.

The water cleared your head, but it didn't remove the pain. The girl you saw was happy, was reliable.

And deep deeo down you knew you weren't that girl, couldn't manage to be. You wanted it, but you had grown too tired to fight towards it. You didn't even know if you were worth saving or not. If the girl you used to be still existed.

The one thing you knew quite certainly is you had many years ahead of you. You didn't know how, but you had made it far enough in life to see the rest of it about to fold out in front of your. Your life would never be easy. It would often her you in the worst ways, and lie to you. Decieve you. But this is your earth, and you will remain on it. 

But would you stay on earth the girl you are now? Or the girl you saw in the ever changing waves of the sea?

You didn't know. So for now you buy gum at the corner store, you play games at the arcade, draw with black ink, and kiss boys in the rain. Nobody will see your distress.

Nobody at all.

|| hey, thanks for reading Sorry that was really depressing. Um, this story thing was based off of a beautiful song I love called the Sea Is a Great Place to Think of the Future. I urge you to look it up. I'll try to update soon. Any requests on what I should post next? Let me know. ||