Perception

XXXIV

A shock pulled through her at the touch, his warmth flowing into her as he kissed her so softly, so sweetly, almost as if he understood...
But the panic rose up in her, she could feel it rising, lapping at her sides, trying to overtake all of her. She pulled away from him for a moment, closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to compose herself.
You're safe, Anna. You're safe, now. It's all okay. You wanted this, didn't you?
She nodded at the thought. Yeah. She had wanted this, she really had.
"Are you okay, Anna?" he whispered, his mouth close to her ear, his warmth still surrounding her.
She nodded again.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
But she could feel the slight shake of his head.
"You don't seem fine. Is it something I did?"
She instantly looked up at him in amazement.
"No, Eli! Of course not! It's just...."  She stared down at her feet for a moment, and when she spoke again her voice was so hoarse she wasn't sure he'd be able to hear her.
"It's just... I have a history, okay?"
His eyes were huge as she looked at him again, the shock abundantly clear on his face.
"Someone hurt you?" he whispered.
She just nodded.
"It was a long time ago. Just.... please just give me some time?"
"My God..." he breathed, and he wrapped her firmly in his embrace again, holding her tight, holding her safe. "Of course I'll give you time."

She stood for a while, breathing deeply, feeling the calmness entering her system again as he held her and she saw the little waves of the wake in the dark.
"I'm sorry, Eli. I didn't..."
"Stop..." he whispered. "It's all good."
The ferry docked suddenly with a loud clang, making them both jump. She silently watched the wide metal gang plank as it lowered and let them off the boat, allowing them to walk into the street again.
He took her hand, as they walked side by side towards Mrs. Peterson's house, and she intertwined their fingers softly.

She didn't hesitate when she came to the pale green door, she just opened it and gestured for him to come in.
Thank God she'd put all the clothes back in the wardrobe before leaving, this time.
He walked up the stairs without words and he opened the door to enter her little space, subtly looking around him.
"It's not much, but it's home." she told him softly.
"It's nice, I like it." he said. "It's very, very you."
She smiled as she looked around the small studio. He was right, of course. It was very her.
"Do you want some tea?" she asked him, but he shook his head.
"Anna..." he started then, the hesitation clear in his tone. "Look, you know you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. But I... am I... have you not done this with anyone else?"
She froze, her arm in the air, still stretching towards the kettle.
Jeez. How had he arrived at that conclusion? And what would she say? What could she tell him, but the truth?
She turned around and looked at him soberly.
"Not willingly, no."
"Jesus." he muttered, and it was so out of character for him to say that that she smiled.
"It's ancient history, Eli." she said then.
He stepped back until his back legs hit the bed and sat down. He buried his face in his hands for a moment.
"Look, Eli," she said, looking at his perturbed figure on her bed. "I get it if this is way too much, we... we can just be friends, you know."
He looked up at her then, almost helplessly.
"I really like you, Anna."
And even though he'd let her feel this over and over with his actions, his simple statement still sent an avalanche of feelings through her.
She sat down on the bed next to him and put her hand on his thigh.
"I really like you too, Eli."