My Tragedies

Dear Father,

It's been a long time. I miss you a lot and I would sleep better at night if I knew that maybe you missed me too. I really wish we were still talking at least. I've tried reaching out. Maybe you just don't see my messages. But I try. I've always tried so hard for you. I will continue to do so.

I miss you. I don't think there's enough emphasis I can put into those three words. They just fall short. They can't express the longing in my heart whenever I think of you. My memories are full of all the times we had together. Do you remember them too?

Do you remember the night I watched A Beautiful Mind? You and mum weren't getting along. You knew you were gonna get divorced, so you were on the couch. I sat up and we talked about the movie for hours. You opened up to me about your grandmother and how she reminded you of the movie. Because she was in a terrible place like that too. I remember that night.

Do you remember that one terrible night? When I had one of the worst nightmares I've ever had to date? I ran to your room crying. Mum wasn't home. So you moved the blanket aside and I slept next to you. You held my hand and we fell asleep like that.

Do you remember going to my volleyball games with me? I heard you cheering for me when I felt down. I felt so loved by you on those days. On the way home you'd always tell me how good I did. How I was really gonna get places. You would talk about how terrible the other players were compared to me, you can be kinda rude, but I know it's because you were proud of me. I remember those days.

Do you remember working on cars together? Building together? I think of it often. So often. I want to make sure I never forget it. Those days made me so happy. You made me so happy. You still do. Even from far away.

Do you remember going for rides together on your motorcycle? We would go get icecream and you'd talk to me about work. God, you hated work. I hope you're liking your new job better. You really deserve it. It makes me a bit sad to think of you getting fired and I really hope that's not what had happened. You have enough shit on your record that your don't deserve.

Do you remember going to baseball games together? Always the same team. The Saltdogs. You love baseball so much. I wanted so much to play for you and make you proud. I would've been so good I promise. Maybe someday I can show you. Remember the one time when I caught the game ball? You couldn't stop laughing because it had fallen out of my hand and down under the seat. I spent 20 minutes searching and it was just right there. You wanted to be a baseball player. Professionally. But you couldn't afford to go to the college. I'm so sorry dad. I wish I could have given you money.

Goodness, do you remember watching Les Miserables together? You almost cried. It's okay, I would have hugged you. It wouldn't have made you any less wonderful to me. I've seen you cry a few times before.

You cried when Zoo Zoo got hit by a tractor. I did too. I wasn't very close to that puppy, to be honest. I cried because you were crying. I didn't want you to be sad. It made me so sad.

You cried when you talked to me about divorcing mum. You loved her so fucking much. I know you did. She ruined it. I saw it. You saw how much it was killing me. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger for you. I wish I'd cried less. I'm sorry I got angry at you for it. It wasn't your fault.

I cried a lot. You know that. I can be a bit of a sissy boy. I don't think you know that. How much I want to be your son. But it's alright. I'll be your daughter. But I think you hate her too.

After we watched Les Miserables, you would sing songs from it so much. I loved your singing voice. It was so beautiful. I know you wanted to be a singer. You just were too shy. And had too many kids. I wish you could have gotten your dreams. I feel like I ruined it for you.

There's so much I want to say to you. I want to talk to you about how hard things have been. You always had such good advice for me. You're so wonderful. You didn't see it though. You always felt like you were failing me.

Dad, you never failed me. You were my everything. You were my strength. My role model. I wanted to be just like you. So smart, big and strong. Everything you did was so amazing. I wanted to continue to learn things from you. But it was cut short.

Part of me is so angry at you. You chose her. You chose Nixie. And Zeke. Zeke was the oldest son you never got. Dad I'm right here. I'm in the wrong body but please, I can be that for you. I love all the things you do. I love you more than he ever could. No matter. I can see what you see. He is the son you never got.

What happened dad? What happened to you? I miss you. I miss my father, my bestfriend. I know mum hurt you so much. But she's hurt me too. And I've never once stopped loving you or given up on you. Nothing has turned me away from you.

My first real heartbreak, was losing you dad. It hurts more than anything. I wish it never happened. I wish I could take back everything and fix us. But I think we're too far gone. But I'll always remember dad, I'll always remember you. I promise. I want you still.

I love you so much. I just want to make you proud more than anything or anyone. I want your love more than anyone's. I want your affection more than anyone's. It feels like I'm deprived of what makes me whole.

I just want you to be happy. And if that's not around me, then so be it. I'll be here on the sidelines cheering you on. Always. I am always gonna be your number 1 fan. Go for that home run. Sing your heart out. I'll be here rooting for you.

I love you.