Dilbert & Petunia; ex-lovers extraordinare. These are their epic stories about each other and their love-hate-love relationship. Will they rekindle their romance? Or will they become bitter old souls with nothing but vengeance? Read on true believer...
Now how Dilbert and Petunia first met is an interesting story...
December. Winter. 5 days till Christmas. Folks in the town of Spitsville are frantically out n' about just NOW gift shopping.
At a popular toy store in the town; called The Funk, a 5'3 woman with a ruby red high ponytail, stands at the door greeting customers with multi-colored unicorn stickers. "Welcome to The Funk! My name is Petunia. There's a lot of other customers today so please be respectful! Enjoy" She says to each customer that comes in. The Funk store is pretty busy today; and it's kinda overwhelming Petunia, but she remains using her happy face to every person. But in her mind: "Fuck you. Fuck you. Welcome to this shit place, FUCK YOU!"
Across the street from the store, there's deli/fast food restaurant. Called Suck My Meat; you can get the best salamis and corned beef meats while also get a sausage sandwich meal with some carrot sticks! Anyways, there sitting out at the patio area eating a sandwich, was Dilbert; a strange looking fella, standing at a 6'3 height. His most noticeable and distinguishing feature is: his bulbous Jewish nose. As he scarfs down his sandwich, he wanders looking at people coming in and out of the restaurant, observes people outside shopping, and just in his own thoughts. "Gee, it sure is a good day today!" He says in his head, "Suck My Meat's sausage is not too chewy and stringy today! I'm in luck!" He happily takes another big bite and continues to examine people. Soon after he's done with his lunch, and walking towards the trashcan; he notices across the street a fight has broken down! All the people in the restaurant and outside all watch with their cell phones in hand recording. Dilbert doesn't own a cell phone, so he goes and gets a closer look at the action.
At The Funk; it seems two customers have gotten into a fight and having taking it to the streets. "You dumb motherfuck! That red rocket toy is for my lil' boy!" One overweight customer screams, with their fists up in front of their face's; they soon do a swing and a miss!
"Nah, FUCK YOU AND YOUR CHILD!" a pencil thin customer shouts back. They pause and turn to the overweight person's child and bends over. "My apologies, lil' boy." and reverts back into a boxing stance. The little boy looks dazed at what's happening. Petunia looks with excitement because of a live action and free-to-watch fight is happening, but also looks with fear because of the children or "little humans" as she calls them. "Now do I break this up and shield the little humans? Or do I sneak past my manager and go get my phone? I literally got the best front row view!" She thinks to herself. "OR. Do I quit or do I join? I could wipe both their asses... also I could just be a hero... ugh." just as she panders what move to make; her manager yells out to her "Petunia DO SOMETHING!" She looks at her manager and rolls her eyes, "I was getting ready to... sorta..." she shakes her head, rolls her uniform sleeves up and marches out to them.
"HEY YOU TWO! STOP THAT THIS INSTANT! THINK OF THE LITTLE HUMANS! YOU'RE SCARRING THEM FOR LIFE! 5 DAYS TO CHRISTMAS TOO!? GEE, Y'ALL ARE VERY INSPIRATIONAL!" she screams with her hands on her hips.
The two fighting customers pause and glare at her. "Who the fuck are you?!" They both say. Now Petunia is triggered. "I!" She first whacks the skinny customer in the neck, making them yelp in pain. "AM" She then kicks the overweight customer in the knees (or lack there of..) making them fall and smack face first to the pavement. She roars; "PETUNIAAAAAAA!" After both parties are out cold; just as the little boy runs to aid their parent, Petunia stops them. Scared the little boy looks up at her, she looks down at him and hand him all the unicorn stickers, "And I quit!" She looks back at her manager; who is mortified, gives them double middle fingers, and begins to walk across the street to Suck My Meat. Everyone who was watching and recording all made sure to not stand in her way. The entirety of this street was scared of Petunia. And boy was she glad.
Dilbert was starstruck! "My god! She's incredible!" He thought to himself. "I want a piece of that!" As he was checking her out; all of a sudden, "Hey YOU!" He snaps out of his fantasy, and sees her looking at him. Her hands on her hips and with a serious look on her face, she smirks at him and says "Pay for my sandwich." He smiles "Absolute!" He says back, her smirk turns to concern, but she walks inside anyways. He follows behind, and everyone else slowly goes back to what they were doing.
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"Soooo." Dilbert says just as Petunia is about to take a bite of her sandwich; they're sitting where he was earlier. "So." She says back between each chew. "The sausage is good innit?" Dilbert says with a toothy smile. She looks at him and shrugs. "It's tasty." "I really like what you did back there. Amazing" She smirks "I just beat two customers' asses and quit my job all while being recorded for the internet to forever see.. Definitely a weird December for me. I'm probably gonna have to ask my sister for a job cuz after the video is uploaded, no one is gonna wanna hire me." As she has a regretful look on her face; Dilbert shrugs back "Oh well. At least no one will fuck with you and your future career endeavors!" Petunia looks at him and grins a bit. "You are one odd positive guy. Are you... gay?" Dilbert looks at her confused but remains cheerful. "If gay means happy, then YES I AM!" She chuckles, "Yes and sometimes no, but that's cool." They stare at each other for a while. Then she looks at him with a passionate looks, "Wanna fuck?" Dilbert's face lit up. "Wow! ME!?!" She looks around confused (do keep in mind after the beatdown.. some remaining customer people and crew people were still watching cautiously of fear she's a mighty Karen) "I don't think anyone else if capable of handling me, but I firmly believe you have been chosen... so... YES, you!" She smirks as she gets up and heads to the restroom; passing by a customer, non-intentionally startling them. Dilbert is thrilled and gets up (throwing her trash away for her.) and heads to the bathroom as well.
How long did the sex take? Who knows...
Dilbert and Petunia are still in the bathroom; after having had sex, both share information about each other. "Petunia; 32, Favorite color is Red. I hate corduroy." "Dilbert; 36, jobless since birth. I love Suck My Meat's carrot sticks!" Petunia looked at Dilbert confusingly, "You've never had a job?" "Nope" Dilbert says proudly. "I-.. how have you survived? Did you go to school? How did you pay for my meal?" "Now, now Petunia." Dilbert shushes her with his finger to her mouth, she looks at him oddly. "A musician never reveals his secrets." She rolled her eyes, "It's Magician." "My mom lied to me then.." Dilbert said upsettingly. Petunia giggled and hugged him.
Soon after all of this, years from now these two interestingly odd characters will go through so much together. Misadventures and such.
