The Porsche, The Beetle And How I Got Here

Chapter 21

I couldn’t focus after that. I’d had a tough time focusing before, but now it was simply impossible, I just kept trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. Rachel walked up to me, not far after Richard had left, and asked me once again, what was wrong. I told her that everything was as it should be, and she accepted that answer, but not before giving me a look that told me that she knew. I don’t know exactly how much she knew, but she knew.

I left work an hour early that day, very unlike me to be completely honest with you.

I went home, and took a shower. Dried my hair, preformed The Karen Musical. Took another shower, and let myself drop on my bed for some time before throwing an old hoodie and a pair of sweatpants, and then sat down to wait.

Over the course of the last couple of days I’d made up my mind, and the last couple of hours had been dedicated to find the exact words that would conclude my decision.

By now you’ve probably already figured out what I’ve chosen to do, and I could spare a lot of time by telling you what happened after I’d said my lines, but that wouldn’t be fair, would it? To finish it all off in such an improper and almost uncaring manner, seeing as you’ve read so much already. So let’s get to it.

Richard arrived at my flat five minutes past six, and I greeted him in the door, just as I would have done before we started fooling around. This, of course, caused a lot of confusion for his part.

We sat down in the living room, and I played the good hostess, and offered coffee and the sort, all while trying to gather the courage to do what had to be done. Richard could sense that there was something wrong; The friendly welcome instead of the usual snog. My almost formal behaviour. The fact that I kept a distance between us.

“Will you tell me what’s the matter?” he asked, after a few seconds of silence, after our unnatural small talk had ended.

I looked at him, and my heart broke again. Do you know the feeling of your chest lumping together? Do you know the feeling, of looking at someone you love more than anything, looking into their eyes, knowing that what you’re about to do will change everything? Do you know the feeling of doubt and determination fighting inside of you, even after you’ve made up your mind?

All of this, was what went on inside of me at that point.

I looked him deep in the eye, before looking down at my hands.

“I’m pregnant.” I said.

“According to the doctor I got pregnant while we were in Asia.” I wasn’t sure of how I’d react if I looked at him, so I decided to look down the whole time.

“Condoms protect against unwanted pregnancy with 70%. Birth control with 99. So as you can see, this is an incredible rare thing to happen.” I breathed again, my voice calm as ever, still waiting for some kind of reaction.

“And I’ve decided to keep it.”

“Of course,” he said, sounding so much like his usual self. “I’ll be h-“

“No.” I snapped, and looked up at him. “You won’t take any part of this child’s life.”

 He gave me a shocked look, and it took him a few seconds to process what I’d said.

“But why?” he blurt out, sounding almost hurt.

“Because all of this is a mistake. We should have stayed with the deal. Now we are standing with the consequences, and I feel like it would be easier for the both of us, if we just forgot about all this, and went on as we did before.”

“But-“

“No buts.” I nearly begged him. “I don’t want you to pay child support either.”

“Wait, but why?” he asked, and then started rambling about a lot of stuff such as it was his duty and so on. I locked down, ignoring his words, degrading them to nothing more than background noise, before I finally snapped.

“You belong with Mindy!” I told at him, the tears erupting from my eyes, making him shut up.

“With Mindy and Izzy and Willow.” I repeated through my tears, trying to get my voice under control.

“You called her Mindy...” he said after the longest and most unnatural silence I’ve ever found myself in.

“What?” I sobbed.

“You called her Mindy.” he repeated, “You always call her Amanda.”

“Well, of course I called her Mindy.” I whispered, “She is your Mindy.”

“I’ll leave the show as well, when we’ve finish off this series.” I said before he had the chance to say anything.

“Wait why?” he was the one to whisper now.

“Because that is what’s best for all of us. You guys don’t need me anyway, Top Gear Dog is missed more than I will ever be.” I assured him.

“No.” He whispered as he shook his head bitterly. I didn’t reply, mostly because the no seemed too personal and aimed at himself or his thoughts, thus making it unfit for me to say anything.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked, looking me in the eye once again, causing me smile a sad and painful smile.

“Because sometimes you’ve got to make some tough choices, in order to protect the ones you love.”