The Wishing Flower

Chapter 18

The next morning I woke up feeling a calmness I hadn't felt in a while. I knew all my problems wouldn't be solved overnight, but I had enough clarity to be able to figure out where I would go from here. Seeing the result of lost motivation accumulated over the living room floor in the form of old wrappers and empty soda cans, I felt disgusted with myself for living like that. For now, the most important thing to do was to clean up. I picked up all my clothes from the floor and put them in the laundry basket. I grabbed a large garbage bag and threw out all the garbage lying on the table. I even dusted the shelves, and vacuumed the floors. By the time I finished cleaning, I was exhausted. I flung myself onto the couch, the apartment looked more like its former self again. Sajal loved cleaning, she couldn't sit until every single room was squeaky clean. I wondered who she inherited the clean-freak genes from. My mom seemed like she would have also been the perfectionist type, but then again I wouldn't know. I barely knew anything about my parents, they were almost like strangers to me. More like fictional characters from a fairy-tale, than actual parents.

Just then I heard a buzz from my phone. I picked it from the table beside me. I was shocked to see the notification on my phone, it was a text from Adam.

Zee, I'm sorry I let you down. Call me, okay?

This was the first time he messaged since the day we fought. I felt bad for the harsh words that came out of my mouth that day, but I was just so angry. I wasn't exactly angry at Adam, I was angry at the world for being so cruel. I couldn't hold anything against Adam, I knew he was only doing what he thought was best. Because of his dad's position, Adam didn't really didn't have to put much effort to get what he wanted since everything could just be handed to him. Name brand clothes, the latest tech, the nicest cars he could have had it all, but instead he decided to try. He got a part-time job working at a cafe, so he could try to earn money for himself. He even put in effort to try to understand someone like me, the total opposite of him. I had no parents or friends and I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but he still always tried his best to see things from my point of view. Sometimes he failed horribly, like last week, but I knew he would never to do anything with malice in heart. He was nice to everybody, no matter who they were. I was living proof of that.

I decided it would be best to call him, so we could clear the air. Just as I was about to dial his number my stomach let out a loud scream, telling me it was time to eat. I set my phone aside for a moment and looked in the fridge only to see two old onions, expired milk, and a bottle of mustard. Maybe it was also time to buy groceries. I had been living off crackers and peanut butter sandwiches, for the past few days and my body was dying for proper nutrition. I got ready to go to the grocery store and as I headed out the door I noticed a crumpled piece of paper thrown beside the table. I unfolded the wrinkled paper and uread what was written inside.I felt my hands begin to shake as I realized what the writing in the paper meant. I remembered what Detective Clarke had told me about the day I had called Sajal, the very day she went missing. My stomach let out another loud roar, I would have to deal with it later, right now I had to eat. I stuffed the paper inside my bag, and headed out.

On my way to the grocery store, I searched for easy recipes for people who have never cooked before, but I found it hard to concentrate. All I could think about was what was written on the receipt. I nibbled on my fingernails, as I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me. Maybe buying groceries wasn't the most important thing right now, I felt that this was something I had to do if I wanted some answers. I reached the entrance of the grocery store, but instead of going inside and turned back on my heels and hopped on the bus.

I had been on this bus hundreds of times before, and as we drove down further old memories came flooding in with the familiar streets. I saw me and Sajal skipping down the sidewalk, as she took me to the corner street deli to buy my favorite ice cream. I got off at the stop of the deli and bought the same mint chocolate ice cream, but as I bit into it I realized the frozen treat wasn't as sweet as I remembered. I brought myself because I wanted to face my past and try to remember the childhood memories that I had long forgotten.

I walked up to my uncle's old house and stood right in front of the entrance. 12-56 122nd Maple Road. I was so close, yet my mind was millions of miles away. I still couldn't believe Sajal came here, the morning I found Hany dead.The neighborhood was quiet and not a single soul was out on the streets. So I wasn't too worried that someone would catch me trying to get in. Detective Clarke had told me no one was living in the house, probably has been empty ever since Khalu died.

I ducked under the police tape the covered the entrance and picked the rusty lock with a couple of bobby pins and paper clips. I swung the door open and came face to face with an empty living room. The floorboards creaked underneath my feet as I stepped inside. I felt a knot inside my stomach but I tried to ignore it, so I could look around. I remembered There on the old tattered couch that sat on the left wall where me and Sajal would sit and watch cartoons on the weekend. I walked into the kitchen and opened the empty cupboards that were once filled with Frosted Flakes. We practically lived off of that stuff back then. It's not like khalu really ever cooked anything. My body froze thinking about the fact that we lived under the same roof as him, I shook off the feeling and moved into the bedroom. There were still four black marks made on the wooden floor from where the bed used to be. All the countless hours me and Sajal spent in this room playing around and talking about our lives. In the mornings I would sit in front of the small vanity by the window and Sajal would braid my unruly black hair into one braid that went down the length of my back. The ghost of my former self came to life once again and danced around the room with Sajal to the songs of innocence. I wanted to call out to myself and tell her to not let Sajal go. I wanted to scream out to her, and tell her to keep Sajal home and not leave me alone in this house

Then the painful memories begin to flood in. The memories I had suppressed for a very long time. I remembered it was late at night and my uncle came to me in the living room where I fell asleep on the couch, waiting for Sajal to come back home from the concert. He stumbled to the couch, clearly drunk and began stroking my hair, and before I moved he kept my small frame down with his arm and touched me inappropriately. I was so scared. I was too young to realize what was happening, so I didn't move an inch. I didn't even let out a single breath as he sat there beside me. From then the things he did only got even worse. Any time Sajal wasn't home he would make me sit on his lap and do things I wish I didn't have to remember. I felt a sharp pain in my chest, and my lungs felt as if they were going to collapse. I needed to get out of that room. I slammed the bedroom door and stumbled into the hallway, but everywhere I turned painful memories flooded my thoughts, each one of them more painful than the previous. I dizzly ran back into the living room, but now I couldn't stop seeing those horrible memories. I let out a loud shriek as I was gasping for air. I clutched onto the walls so I wouldn't collapse on the floor. I slammed my body into the door and ran out onto the street. I doubled over and threw up all over the pavement.

How could have I forgotten all this? I had thought my innocent childhood was the only thing I had left to cherish, but even that had been ripped apart before my very eyes. All that was left was the naked truth which I had failed to realize and it was ugly and disgusting. Today I was supposed to turn my life around and start fresh, but I realized I was too weak. I let everyone down, I let Sajal down, I let my parents down, I even let myself down. My life would never amount to anything no matter how hard I tried. For every change I tried to make I faced a hundred setbacks, yet I didn't even have the strength to face one of them.