The Wishing Flower

Chapter 23

There was silence all around and the only noise was the sound of the autumn leaves under my feet. The field looked really different in the fall, but I really missed this place. The flower field where I would spend my summer days, with no cares in the world. This was the first time I came without my parents, I had never come back here since they died. I couldn't, it was too painful, but I guess none of that mattered anymore. I could still see their faint silhouettes, sitting by the big oak tree watching the sunset. The innocence of youth filled the winds and colored the sky a beautiful shade of baby blue.

I kneeled down in the grass and sat besides baby Zee happily pulling out the grass from the ground.

"Hey Zee." I asked her, pushing back the stray hairs that covered her face. "It's been a while right?"

Zee paid me no mind and continued to pull out blades of grass from the dirt. She pulled out another one and held it out in front of me.

"Look bhaji. I go your favorite flower",

I looked at what she held out toward me."You found a wishing flower", I said taking the flower from her tiny hand. "You can make a wish on this flower, and your wish will come"

"That's silly", she said, taking the flower back from my hand. "This is a flower, and flowers don't even have ears. They can't hear your wish. Bhaji, you should know that. You're smart".

She tossed the flower behind her and continued to play with the grass. She was right, looked like a child knew better than me. How could I have put all my hopes and dreams into one little flower thinking the white seedlings would carry my wishes to the Heavens?

My mother stood in the distance, her long black hair swaying behind her. She wore a plain shalwar kameez the color of the morning sun, decorated with gold bangles on one arm.

She saw me coming walking her and smiled, motioning me to come closer. She had such beautiful almond-shaped eyes, the color of honey. Her long eyelashes and the kajol lining her eyes, made her look even more striking. When she was with us, she never sat down once. She would always be playing with us, chasing us around the house. It was nice to see her alive and so full of life. She always made sure we knew that she would always be there for us, no matter what. Even as a teenager she would still come to my bed and kiss my forehead and read the kalimah, so we didn't have nightmares. Too bad the real nightmare came once she was gone.

I looked at my mother and threw myself into her warm embrace, "Mama", I cried.

She held me close and I inhaled the scent of her jasmine perfume. A scent I would wear every day because the floral aroma made me feel closer to my mom.

"Look at you Sajal", she said wiping my tears. "You've grown up so much, you're beautiful. Zee is still a baby, though and has so much to learn about the world. Promise me you'll do a good job raising her,"

I felt the tears running down my cheeks, "No Mama. I don't do a good job raising her. You told me to always be there for Zee, but I failed. I failed horribly". I dug my face into her shoulder soaking her bright yellow shalwar with my tears.

"I tried to escape a horrible life after you life, but I ended up making even worse mistakes. Everything decision I made in my life hurt Zee. Mama, my husband he tried t-to" I choked on my words. "He tried to hurt Zee, just like Khalu. I couldn't let it happen again.

"So I killed him", I said these words without a hint of emotion in my voice.

"It's all my fault. I never learned my lesson. I though I would need a man by my side to survive, but all that did was ruin my life. My biggest flaw was that I never thought I could rely on myself.

"Mama, you actually got lucky", I said smiling at my mom, "You left when life was still good.

"You should have taken me with you, then I wouldn't have destroyed everyone's lives around me. What good has me living even done? Look at where I am now! I can't even get out of bed without popping pills. And nowI'm in the middle of nowhere talking to people who are not really there".

I looked up through the blur of my tears and saw that my mother was gone. Zee was gone. The sun had disappeared. The warm glow that covered the sky disappeared, everything was bleak and grey. I dragged my lifeless feet around in the dry grass. I couldn't let myself destroy any more lives, I had already done enough damage and I had to put an end to it.

I lugged myself until I reached the muddy creek. The creek always scared me as a child. Tthe water was so dark and murky that you couldn't see anything but your own self staring back at you. Now, the creek didn't scare anymore, the black waters welcomed me with open arm. I walked in the water up to my ankles, the cold water sloshed around my feet. I walked further down so the water reached my knees, then my waist. The cold sent a shiver down my spine and I felt a fleeting moment of fear, but it was too late to stop now. The stones in my sweater pocket weighed me down, pulling me into the water like a magnet. My mind was completely blank, except for one thought. Zee could finally have a good life. A good life without me. The dark water completely covered my face and I finally closed my eyes for the last time.