A Selfless Sacrifice - A Niam Horayne Story *ON HOLD*

Chapter 6

A/N: Hey guys ! We decided to change it up a bit. Niall's POV but it still relates to his diary entries.

Hope you enjoy this chapter, it is longer than the rest and took us a while to write compared to the others after deciding to change it into POVs.

Please fan if you haven't yet, vote and comment. Thankyou :) xx

A Selfless Sacrifice

Chapter 6

Niall’s POV

13/11/12

It’s been two months since my last diary entry. Today I am 18 and two months. I haven’t been writing for a while cause nothing really has happened. I haven’t seen Liam since our last conversation two months ago. I don’t have any idea where he is or why he isn’t here. It’s a virtual mystery. I’ve asked countless people, but they just ignore me or laugh and call me gay. He hasn’t been at school and I haven’t seen him around anywhere. Nothing has really happened these last two months other than that.

To be honest, I had been waiting all my life to turn 18 but it’s not that special. I had planned this whole big thing to do with my life. And now everything just seems pointless. I have no meaning in life anymore; my diary is a representation of that. I haven’t done anything special, my life is a complete and utter failure. It’s kind of funny; looking back two months ago I was so excited about life. I mean yeah, I had the whole bullying thing but that wasn’t going to stop me from achieving my dreams.

Talking about bullying, it’s pretty much stopped. I mean, I still get the occasional push or rude remark but it’s died down. A small part of me feels like Liam played a part in this. Like, he was the one that stopped the bullying and he was the main ringleader but it’s not as if he was the only bully. I love him for that. But that’s not the only reason why I love him; it’s his soft side that is as insecure as I am. His amazing personality. Well second or other personally, the one where he actually cares about people. It sounds stupid because two months ago I hated his guts. I think even when he bullied me I still kind of liked him. I’ve never felt like this before, for a girl even let alone a guy and my former bully and tormenter. I just feel empty without him here. He filled a hole in heart, a hole that will never be filled unless he comes back. He is irreplaceable.

It’s funny as I sit here outside a small coffee shop near my house, every time I hear a person near me I instantly look up. Hoping that it will be him, but it never is. Is it weird that I do that? Because sometimes I push myself not to look, to not get my hopes up, to not put all of my nerves on the edge. Because all I’m met with is disappointment and each and every time it hurts more and more.

I’ve tried to forget about him and the caring words he’d said to me two long months ago. I tried persuading myself that he was a jerk, especially for the years I’ve had to suffer with the continuous bullying which all started because of him. But I can’t. There’s something about him that makes me feel giddy inside. In a good way that is. Even before the hospital incident, before that conversation I had with him, the times when he still physically and mentally injured me, I still saw something in him. I knew he was different but at the same time the same. He was different to other popular kids, or bullies you could say, he had another side to him, a side where he actually cared about people. But then he’s the same as the popular kids, making the most of being popular in the wrong ways and bullying the kids who weren’t as popular as he was and still is.

At first I was afraid of him; terrified at the thought of him coming up to me, dragging me to another crowded place to hurt me again. But now I’m not. I get the strangest feeling when I see him in the distance. I know he’ll most likely end up hurting me, I know that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I really do feel and I know that he isn’t good news for me. However, I can’t help the feeling I get when he comes near me. I can’t help but forgive him for everything he’s done to me. I can’t help but feel my heart beat ten times faster when I see him in the corridors every day, walking up to me, even though it’s probably just so he can throw another punch across my already swollen jaw.

But now he’s gone. I don’t care if he hurt me, I don’t care if his group of friends and himself are the reasons why I have the scars I have, I don’t care about anything. I just want to know that he’s alright. The past 2 months was filled with confusion, struggle and pain. One day he treats me like dirt and then the next, he acts like he really does care about me. I don’t know what to think anymore, I miss him, I really do.

There is nowhere else to look for him, I’ve tried the hospital, I’ve tried going to the skate parks, I’ve tried everywhere. He hasn’t been at school for 2 full months, nothing from his friends, nothing from his mum, nothing from any of his relatives.

~

I took the last sip of my coffee emptying the cup and pushing my chair back. I stood up and took a deep breathe trying to free my mind off of all my worries. I wiped away the sweat on my forehead with my back of my hand while shuffling over to the exit door.

It only took a 10 minute drive to get home. I turned the lock to our old wooden door ignoring Greg’s questions and going straight to my room. I dumped my bag after slamming the door shut and slumped down into my pillow, face down. Out of nowhere, I began to feel tears forming at the corner of my eyes like every other day. I quickly wiped them away feeling stupid for crying over nothing. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t just nothing, it was Liam. It was because Liam that has been the cause of me crying myself to sleep every night. It was because of Liam that I’ve been frequently hurting myself more often. I can’t bring myself to admit the fact that I’m self-harming because my bully has suddenly disappeared.

But for now, I have to go, to do what you’re wondering? Well, what I do every other day, locking myself in my old ratty bathroom, ignoring everything and everyone around me. To do something that helps me cope with all the pain.

But before I go, I promise to start writing in my diary again. But I’ll save that to later, it’s easier for me to talk to you about it first so I don’t forget. The hardest thing about keeping a diary is making sure to include all the important details and events of the day, so instead of leaving stuff out, I’ll just tell you when it happens instead, makes it easier for the both of us.

Ohh wait, one more thing! Have I told you that my mum has been forgetting things? I don’t know whether it’s her forgetting things or pretending that it never happened but she’s acting like we never lost out dad, like we never moved from out real home, like everything is perfect and the way it’s supposed to be. That’s what hurts me. That’s the reason why I’ve decided to start writing again. I never want to forget what happened earlier on in my life. Because what happens today, will lead me to who I am tomorrow, and what happens tomorrow, will lead me to who I end up being in the future.

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“Remember this Niall, remember what happened.

Niall Horan”

I signed as I closed my diary. This is what I did at the end of today’s diary entry and what I will continue doing on every single one.