Always There

Chapter Ninety-Two

Songs for this chapter:
• august - Taylor Swift

Chapter Ninety-Two:

Lexi's POV

"Lexi! Hi, dear! I've missed seeing you around here all summer. How was your vacation?"

I look up from the little piece of scrap paper next to the cash register at the cafe that I'm doodling on, drawing a vine filled with little cherry blossoms all along the border of the page. Even though I immediately recognised her from just the sound of her voice, a brief glance over the cash register is all it takes for me to spot Eleanor walking across the cafe and towards me.

"Eleanor! Hello! My vacation was wonderful, thank you. I hadn't seen my family in a very long time, and so it was lovely to see them again, but I'm glad to be back in the city. How have you been?" I respond cheerily, doing my best to smile widely as Eleanor approaches the register.

"I've been well, Lexi. That you very much for asking. My grandchildren are staying with me for a few nights, which is such a blessing because I miss having kids running around my home very much. Motherhood is one of the best things that ever happened to me," Eleanor gushes dreamily.

I suddenly feel unable to look at her face, and I instead train my eyes down on the flowers I've doodled.

It's just that ever since I found out I'm infertile, hearing people talk about the joys of parenthood—and even just seeing parents and grandparents walking down the sidewalk, holding their kids' hands—makes me want to curl up in my bed and sob until I have no more tears left to cry.

There's so much more to life than just having kids. I know that damn well, especially considering I'm someone who grew up convinced that I would never dream of being a parent one day. There are so many things in life that I want so very badly that are still possible for me, like being on Broadway one day, but it just hurts so freaking badly to know that such a massive choice has been taken from me when I'm still so young.

It makes it so much harder to love my body after so many years of absolutely hating it, because just when I was starting down the right path, my own body failed me in the blink of an eye.

How am I supposed to love a body that's preventing me from having something I want so badly?

I know adoption exists too, and it really is a wonderful thing. I'm not opposed to adopting a kid one day in the future so that I still can have that little family that I dream about at night sometimes, but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to get the image of those two little twin boys who look exactly like Bryce did when he was younger—from their amber eyes to their messy brown hair, so dark it almost looks black—out of my head unless that dream comes true.

I also just don't know if I even want a family if Bryce isn't part of it. Of course he has some flaws that make him outwardly seem like not the best candidate for a great father, but if there's one thing I've learnt about Bryce Bradshaw over the year and a bit that we dated for, it would be that when Bryce loves someone, he loves them fiercely and with all of his heart.

"Lexi, dear? Are you all right?" Eleanor asks me, dragging me back to reality.

I must've zoned out for quite some time because when I look up from the cash register and meet Eleanor's gaze, she looks genuinely worried about me.

"Yeah. I'm fine. I just zoned out for a moment. Sorry about that, Eleanor. Let me ring up your order," I respond quickly.

I give her another smile, but this one is much more forced than the last.

Before I can even lift a finger to hit any of the buttons on the register, I feel a hand on my arm. When I glance over my shoulder I find that Angie is standing directly behind me with a sympathetic smile on her face.