For The Record

14

didn't expect to have this out so soon, but didn't wanna jinx things while i'm on a roll. the next chapter /might/ take a little bit longer, depending, but i'm having a lot of fun atm so we'll see and hope.

comments = motivation to write !!!

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14

"I'M sorry." Nath's eyes shift to mine in the dim lighting, the inside of the car only barely lit by streetlights against dust-speckled windows, open at the top to allow a breeze to trail in. "I lost my temper. I was awful to you, and I tried to make you do things you're not comfortable with, and I tried to hit you. I have a lot of things to say about Ariel, none of them kind, but fear doesn't excuse the way I treated you that night, as a brother, and as a person, so I can only say sorry, Ev."

I shift in my seat, digging the heels of my hands into my thighs and exhaling. "I recognise your apology, Nath, but on top of everything else--and where we're going right now--you put me in a position where I was more scared of you than the thing any rational person would be frightened of. That's not normal, or healthy. So, yeah, I've get you said sorry, but I guess what I'm saying is, you'll have to weight for forgiveness."

"Yeah." He blinks slowly, and readjusts his gaze to the road, spying the next turning and steering into it. "That's fair. I'm your brother, you can trust me for anything, but, like, it's your choice whether you want to take me up on that or not. I don't want anything like that to happen again, though. I really will try."

I chew on the inside of my cheek and nod. "Thanks. I appreciate that, and I appreciate you not pushing me. Um, is this it?"

In the darkness, the surrounding thickets of trees casting shadows of oblivion on the endless rows of headstones do nothing to ease the heavy, haunted atmosphere of the cemetery. I grip the cuffs of my shorts.

Skylar's name is on one of those stones. Skylar's body will be right underneath it.

My exhale is shaky as I curve a hand around the door handle. "Will you wait here?"

He glances at me, taking in my tired, wide-eyed expression and shaking shoulders, and nods. "I'm not moving."

"Thanks." The upholstery grazes the underside of my thighs as I slip out of the seat, the soles of my shoes thudding against solid ground. Each step past the ornate metal gate feels weighted and unnatural, like I'm moving in rewind, and I have to use my phone torch to navigate in the darkness. 

After days of being isolated in a world too big for me, having everything within arms reach and underfoot feels like a distant novelty. Grass that crunches beneath my shoes instead of towering over me. Paths I can cross in a matter of steps instead of a marathon.

A bouquet of flowers that fits in the shaking palm of my hands that I begged Nathan to buy. Lilies. Her favourite flower. 

The white glare of my phone torch bounces off the engraving of her name and I freeze in place. Hairs rise on the back of my neck and my breathing is shallow, my body feeling displaced from itself like I'm not quite here in this moment.

But I am, and my best friend's headstone is staring me in the face. Taunting me.

"Skylar..." I breathe.

My legs can't hold me. My knees buckle, slamming into the grass and rough stone. Tremulous hands lay the bouquet down, nestle it into the handful of others, some fresh, some wilting, like it belongs. 

"You..." Tears well in my eyes and I force them shut. "I miss you. I miss you daily, and sometimes I can't breathe, and I--I just want to know why. I thought you were happy. You had me so fooled, because you would just talk and talk about all the good in the world, and then suddenly you're gone and I stop breathing, and I--I don't understand. Skylar, I want to understand so badly. I even moved in with Ariel. I know about him now. I know you never wanted me to meet him. You talked about him all the time, but you did it in this way, like I was never meant to get to know him for myself, and I get it now. Or at least, I think I do. Because you're gone, and he must be the only person in the world to know why." 

Sobs choke my words and I pull myself into a tight ball on the dry, dusty earth. If I imagine hard enough, she's kneeling beside me on the grass, an arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulling me into her. Holding me, so we'd become one again.

We used to be inseparable. Where did I end and she begin? Why didn't I notice when she began to crumble?

"I'm doing this for you," I continue desperately. "I'd do anything for you. You made my life amazing. My mum, birthdays...all those things that used to hurt me hurt a little less because of you. But now it's like all that pain I forgot how to feel has been building up, and it's here to stab me in the chest repeatedly for all the years I missed out."

She doesn't reply. She can't. I don't want to think of her cold, motionless body lying limp beneath the dirt, but she's right there, six feet under icy stone and my hands pressing into the grass, the blood drawn from her face and her eyes closed for an eternity. 

"I wish I'd known. I wish I could have done something. I..." I lick my lips. A tear trickles down onto my cheek. "I love you. And this is a lot for me tonight, but I'll be back, and--and one day I'll know why, and maybe by then, I'll be able to think of you without hurting. I'll see you soon, okay?"

The world stays silent, eerily still. Quivering like a leaf in wind, I pull myself to my feet and wipe down my sticky face with the backs of my dirt-covered hands. Faintly, in the distance, I can see the silhouette of my brother's car against the lamplight.

I make my way back to it and curl into a ball in the passenger seat, the undone seatbelt clasped to my chest. He clicks it for me and starts the car, the engine rumbling beneath me.

It lulls me into a fitful sleep, all the way back to Ariel's.