For The Record

17

17

HE knows. I don't know how I'd expect it to be any other way--I mean, he's her friend. But it doesn't stop the chill that runs through me. This secret I thought I could hide, but now he knows. He knows that there's something connecting he and I.

"Yeah," I dredge out, kicking at the table beneath my feet. My sock scuffs along the clean, shiny wood. "Skylar Miyasaki. That's right."

"You ... were friends with her?"

"Were. She's dead now. She—"

"I know." His voice wavered. "One day I found a note under my door. The next..."

The next she was gone. Is. Is. She is gone like I am stuck here, staring at my feet on a goddamn giant's dining-room table, knowing exactly the feeling he was experiencing now: his throat constricting, agonising, excruciating, writhing and twisting with white hot pain.

"They say she killed herself," I edge out, afraid to tilt my gaze up and gauge his reaction. No, not afraid. Not of him. Of myself. Of the burning friction of spite under my skin begging me to see him flinch.

"And you don't...you don't believe that?"

"I don't know. Should I?" I don't know why I'm saying this. Why am I saying this? Why do I want so bad to hurt him? "Because all I know is she was friends with you, and—"

"Little one!" He never raises his voice. Barely even now. But my ears ring a little and his bottom lip trembles and his hands shake so hard he clasps them behind his back. "You couldn't think—I could never—"

Guilt plummets into my chest. Scalding hot oil swamps my insides as I finally take in the anguished expression on Ariel's face. Tears like cascading gems slip down his cheeks, silent and stifled, but not unnoticable.

"Don't you think I know that? Of course I know that? I have to know that. I have to believe Skylar. She'd never lie to me," I whisper, rolling my fingers into fists at my sides. "I believed her. Right until the very end."

His expression is still twisted when he cocks his head to the side, hair swishing into his eyes. "Y-you too? Then you felt it too. After it sunk in. Sitting there"—

"—Completely numb, waiting for someone to tell you it's not true. Or end your misery. Whichever came first." Dazed, slow, I stumble forward. "But it never came."

With the next step comes nothing beneath my feet. I realise it so late, too numb to care.

And perhaps expectant of the hands which immediately come up to catch me.

Ariel draws me straight to his chest, my body flat and pressed close to his shoulder.

"I'm so tired, Ariel," I murmur. "It's been so tiring."

"I know, little one." He exhales, and runs a thumb along my back. "I hope, at least, you were able to sleep well?"

My stomach squirms.

"Yeah. I was. Thanks. Um, you did as well, right? I didn't disturb you?"

He sighs, the plane of his chest deflating beneath me. "Not quite. I'm afraid I kept waking up in the night. Looking for you. Frightened you'd—"

"Of course. Right."

Way to go, Ever. He presented you an opportunity for an apology and you utterly dismissed it.

"You're still angry," he murmurs. Jilted. Heartbroken. Why am I breaking his heart?

Is it even possible to break him?

"I was never very good at sharing." I'm thinking of her smile: the secret one that I thought was only for me. The melody of her laugh. Her skin against mine.

My memories aren’t mine, the way Skylar wasn't.

"I never knew that... I was taking her from you. She--no. Never mind."

"Say it."

"I don't think I should."

He's frowning. Lip biting. Looking away. He can't bear me to be mad, but he's intent on keeping quiet even if it'll make me madder.

I understand.

"She didn't tell you about me." He shakes his head. "You don't have to hide it--"

"She told me about everyone in her class. And she... she made it seem like she didn't care about any of them."

My gut flips inside out and shallow breaths rip through my throat. All this time...have I been wrong? What other part of her puzzle have I been missing, flipping pieces over and over until she's no longer the girl that I recognise?

I fight a sob, but it bubbles up, stoppering my throat. "She didn't--care?"

"I'm sure it's not true--"

"She told you she didn't care about me--how can that--it has to be--Skylar's not a liar!"

Is she?

"I'm sorry."

He holds me to his face, his eyes pleading. I close my eyes. I won't look at him. I won't.

My heart hurts.

"Oh, little one." The soft gust of his breath rustles my hair, just as something plush and soft grazes the top of my head, near-engulfing. His lips.

"Ariel--" I push his mouth away, but to no avail, because instead of planning my trajectory, I've managed to jam my hands right in between.

Fearfully, I tilt my head up. Sad eyes pierce mine. Reflecting my own frightened expression.

Where's fearless Ever now?

All he has to do is open his mouth.

Why isn't he?

I just want him to--

"Little one." His tongue knocks against my palms, coating them in saliva. My lip curls in disgust but at least the movement allows me to free my hands.

I hover them in front of me, redirecting my attention to stare uncertainly up at him.

And he giggles.

The platform of his palms beneath me quakes as he tries to suppress his gasping laughter. Tears form in the corners of his eyes.

"I'm--that was--that was an accident--I'm sorry! I scared you, I'm sorry!"

"Then why are you laughing?"

"Because it serves me right! And, because..."

Ariel's huge smile is dazzling.

"Breakfast tastes better with you around, little one." His tongue flicks over his lips in a quick motion, but for some reason, he looks like he's savouring it. "We should eat."

"Y-Yeah." Ariel sets me down unsteadily on the table. "Do I taste good to you, or something? And--don't avoid the question. I'll be mad."

"You do," he whispers. He sounds ashamed. "I know it's bad, but you do. I'm sorry. I--it doesn't mean anything. I'm really not dangerous!"

"Don't be stupid." I wipe down my hands on a wet cloth he offers me. "Of course I know that."

I think.