Author's Haphazard Thoughts

Patawad

PATAWAD or sorry. I don't know if you say PATAWAD within yourself like sinasabi mo sa isip na sorry kasi dimo kayang sabihin and voice out the word PATAWAD. For me, this is especially true sa mga sitwasyon na dapat gawin mo yung tama kaso nauuna yung takot mo. In my case, it's like a simple helping hand sa mga taong naglalakad na may dalang mabigat na bagay like sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na dapat mong tulungan yun. Ang kaso mapapaisip nalang ako and sasabihin ko sa utak ko, PATAWAD, nauna nanaman yung takot ko. Kaysa na tulungan ko yung tao na yun I'm like waiting sa likod nila kasi gusto ko naman talagang tumulong ang kaso, overthink malala, haha. Like, iisipin nila "sino ba  'tong tao na ito?" Gusto nya ba ng reward or something similar. Or, bibilisan ko yung lakad para hindi makita na nahihirapan sila which is literally running from a person who needs help.  This second option of overtaking a person, especially hits me kung sa elderly ko pa nagawa yun like damn dude, I'm thinking to myself I'm really weak when it comes to social interaction. Then, the thought process na PATAWAD talaga, pasensya na, yung takot ko yung nauna kaysa yung kalakasan kong tumulong sa iba.

Oh pala, napaisip din ako kung simple or complex ba yung salitang PATAWAD, diko din sure haha. Kasi kung ako sasagot sa question na yun, it's like in between the lines of both simple and complex kasi for me parang nasanay na din akong magsabi ng PATAWAD pero noong una sobrang hirap like my voice doesn't comes out. Lalo na kung sincere na gusto mong magsabi ng PATAWAD kasi nagkamali ako. Pero noong una yung emotions ko is like a mixture of pride and humility which is sobrang conflicting. Kasi alam mo sa sarili mo na nagkamali ka pero parang may konti pride sa gilid ng emotion ko na ayoko kong magsalita ng PATAWAD. Kaya siguro eto yung isa sa mga difficult na situation na naranasan ko kasi yung conflicted emotions ng pride and humility is what made saying PATAWAD complex. Pero anong situation ba yung sinasabi ko nato; well I had a fight with my mom. And ang pagka-alala ko sinigawan ko siya ng malakas and doon na nagsimula na-ignore ako ng mom ko.  

Basically, whenever I talk to her she just ignores me which was like equal to talking to no one, nandoon yung presence nya kaso parang wala tao. This situation was very demoralizing cause I was just thirteen or fourteen at that time like every night that I'm about to sleep may kirot sa puso ko like literally it aches and I don't like it kasi di ako makatulog. Pero ang simple lang naman ng sasabihin ko, PATAWAD kasi nasigawan kita ng malakas nanay. But the little pride that is lurking behind the emotions of humility is there kaya ang hirap i-voice out yung salitang PATAWAD. The ignoring part of my mom went for like one week, although I'm trying to interact with but she has no response which was heartbreaking. So, every night I was saying to my brain, PATAWAD nanay pero the part where is she ignoring was also a trigger for my little pride to go bigger kasi diko sure pero yun, haha. 

Atleast, sabi ko sa sarili ko nakakakain pa naman din ako pero nagulat ako one time nagising ako ng wala pang ulam na luto and I was surprise I thought it was a punishment for me but the problem is nasama ko yung mga kapatid so I went to cook ulam although it was just fried foods. Still, I guess unconsciously I wanted to compensate my wrongdoings and not drag problems to my brothers. But to my surprise my mom just went to the marketplace to buy food and she caught me cooking food like I was super shocked although there still no interaction with her after that. Akala ko nga nun magsasalita na siya sakin but still no.

Para sakin ang hirap talaga ng situation nato saying PATAWAD became so complex like this was the first time na dapat sincere akong mag sabi ng PATAWAD. Pero I still gathered my courage bit by bit and removed any lingering pride and prepared myself on the day that I would say PATAWAD to my mom. The days passed so slowly, my heart aching every night became a normal routine for me. Yet, I continued to gather courage and remove the thoughts na hindi niya ako kinakausap kasi eto yung nag fuel ng pride ko. 

Slowly I gained other reasons kung bakit gusto ko magsabi ng PATAWAD like I don't want to cause trouble to my siblings and I wanted to interact with my mom, these thoughts gave me courage to say PATAWAD. Steadily I gained tapang ng loob until all of my emotions were only just one, that is courage and I already know that this PATAWAD is long overdue but needed to be done. So, I confronted my mom early in the morning; she mom was preparing breakfast as usual, and as I approached her, one thought came into my mind: PAPATAWARIN niya ako, but at the moment where malapit nako medyo tumayo lang ako in silent like ilang seconds rin yun. Kasi after preparations of gathering courage parang nagamit ko ata lahat sa paglakad papunta sa kanya which was the only reason I can think of kasi alam ko wala nakong pride noon although diko din sure.