the librarian ❆ kagehina

the six stages of grief.

the idea of the five stages of grief is total bullshit, shōyō's decided. he hasn't passed through a system like everyone said he would. he is not only denying that he's unequivocally fucked up, but he is upset. there is no sixth stage where you're allowed to just be upset. there should be, but there isn't, and now shōyō feels even more alone, even more like a screw up, because how can anybody mess up going through the most important emotional pattern that exists?
he's taken off from work for the week to the dismay of his friend shimizu. he has no tests to study for, no emergency to tend to- it's just that being inside that library, working around the places where he sat with tobio, where he watched and smiled and loved him, made him sick to his stomach.

will tobio ever talk to me again, or will he ignore me forever? shōyō hated to think of such a thing, but there was no stopping the plague of treacherous ideas that infested his mind. they came in self-conscious waves, knocking the boy over and stepping on his neck to keep him down. he hoped that wasn't the case. no matter how much of a mess he'd made, he can't live a life where tobio isn't a part of it, no matter how small. he needs him around. he needs his best friend.
shōyō is in love, but that does not matter to him. that is only a facet of the issue. he has lost his friend, the person he confided in, talked with, joked with, been happy beside. he's lost his light. being in love with someone doesn't hurt nearly as much as being left behind does, and he wouldn't wish anything of the sort on his very worst enemy.

he's ignored every text, even from kenma. he shut his phone off and buried it deep inside his sock drawer, letting himself breath deep for the first time in two weeks. he will read and do his work, and he will not think about tobio. he will get over him, and he will go back to work, and he will carry on with his life- because after a week without tobio, shōyō had decided that he simply cannot let himself live with such a burden on his shoulders. he's screwed up any chance he had, and now he has to live with the consequences... so moving on and starting anew is the only thing left for him to try.
and if that doesn't work, shōyō will have nothing left.