the librarian ❆ kagehina

the terrible greatness of the wait.

     another week.
     another week of emptying shōyō's trash can full of snot-stained tissues, discarded after a midnight binge of the painful relevance of everything, everything.
     another week of depressing weather and sleepless evenings.
     another week of being apart.
     shōyō wonders if things will ever go back to the way they were, but then he thinks that's a silly thought, and of course they won't. they can't. it's simple, you see: shōyō fell in love, and tobio did not. that's the fine print, and he's just too upset to read it.

     he's spent the entire night passing between movies like a drifter; clueless, then breakfast club, then sleepless in seattle. he even got halfway through an affair to remember before he realized how sad a sight he'd become. he was crumpled up on his bed, the covers draped over his head sheltering his laptop from the world, and his eyes were rubbed raw.
     is it bad to wish he loved me too? shōyō asks himself. when he can't give himself an answer, he calls kenma.

     "no, shōyō, it's not."

     "but it's selfish, right?"

     "it's okay to be selfish sometimes. it's okay to want things, to want to be happy. it just so happens your wishes aren't timing themselves so well."

     "he came to the library earlier. he broke down crying in front of me, i just wanted to leap over the counter and hug him."

     "why didn't you?"

     shōyō fell silent, unsure of what to say back into the phone. even he didn't know why he didn't. "i... i guess i don't know."

     "you said you loved him, right?"

     "yeah." shōyō mumbled, rolling his eyes and inhaling deeply through his stuffy nose.

     "then that's all you need. love is complicated, shōyō, and it's definitely not linear. books and movies tell you it is, but it's not. maybe you guys are just one of those couples that take a while to get where they want to be. one day he's with someone, the next you are, too, and it's gonna take a while, but then you'll finally get there and it will be everything you'd waited so patiently for. maybe he loves you, too, and just hasn't gotten there yet." kenma comforted through the receiver. shōyō could picture his small smile.

     "kenma, waiting is the hardest thing for me to do."

     "have faith in yourself, shōyō. if he's the one, he'll be brought back to you."

     "you really think so?"

     "yeah. i do."

     "thanks, kenma. i miss you."

     "you too. now go to bed, i know you're tired. no more movies."

     "okay. g'night."

     "night."

     if he's the one, he'll be brought back to you, shōyō remembers.
     he sure hopes kenma is right.