Footballer's hijabi wife

36. Blame and Shame

AQSA*
The toughest of times have passed or so I thought. Was I right? I hope so. Going through what I went through 2 weeks ago was heartbreaking and I am still not over both tragedies but I am still trying to get over it.

Sayeed is out of the hospital,  they are all back home healthy Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. I was so grateful for that. Allah kept them safe. He healed them and I have been gifted the time to be with them for longer Alhamdulillah. A gift I have not been given with my Baby but Alhamdulillah still.

Youssef has finally gone back to training and he'll be in a match this week. After not playing for 3 weeks. We have just been going through a lot. The hardest days were over and now we are trying to go back to our normal routine.

Now he was training so hard. I couldn't even differentiate if he was avoiding me or he was trying to keep up with work. He left in the morning, I left in the morning too. I came back before him. He came back home after ishaa prayer , we would eat, sometimes we didn't. After a day of training all day  he would be worn out completely and would just go to bed.

So when he comes back today I can't help but ask.

'Is your manager making you work overtime?' I don't even know if that's a thing but I ask regardless. He has been doing this for almost a week.

He frowns. 'Why?'

'You are hardly home.'

I only see him in the morning before I leave for work and during the night.

' oh.. I've been going to the mosque and then I'd just pass time and chill with the guys. Sayeed too.'

'Oh.'

So he's hanging out with the boys.

Sayeed. That was another story. I feel like we are not like we used to be before all of this. What was the matter? Was he mad at me?? Does he think I was selfish not to help them when they were rushed in? Was he conscious at that moment ? Did he hear Bushra calling me and I did not help?

A lot was going on in my mind right now. Your body heals faster from trauma than your mind and heart does and as much as I've been trying to deal with it, it really wasn't easy.

I've been trying to call him and we wouldn't talk more than a minute. The two times I visited it was Nasrah who was the one entertaining me. He would either excuse himself to go rest or would sit through the conversation and remain casual.

Did he talk to Nasrah about it? But Nasrah was fine. She would call me herself. We were okay. Me and Sayeed were not. He would not stay with me but he would chill with Youssef.

As these thoughts were unfolding in my mind it was taking all of me not to start crying. I open my mouth to speak but I hesitate. I try again.

'Is Sayeed okay?' I ask.

'He's fine.' Youssef replies.

But I don't mean that. Is he okay okay? But I don't ask. I cover myself up and close my eyes as silent tears roll down my eyes.

Goodnight babe.' Youssef says and then it's silence.

I wake up with puffy eyes. I look a mess I've been looking a mess but I have to go out for work and I have to look normal. I get ready for work and leave for work.

Umm Youssef calls me and invites me for lunch. I really wanted to decline but I couldn't. She would know that I was avoiding her and maybe I needed the company. I drive to a diner near the hospital and find her waiting for me inside. I walk to the table that she's sat on. After greetings  we give our orders.