Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (Rewrite)

Chapter 24: Trojan Voodoo

The hours had finally elapsed, and the sun was beginning to set. In Café Robina, Umberto approached two women at the table. One was a Caucasian brunette wearing a black bikini top and matching miniskirt while the other was Latina and wore a white pearl necklace and a white-and-black striped dress.

"Hey, ladies," Umberto told the woman. "You know what I'm gonna do?"

The women just turned their back on him, deliberately ignoring his presence.

"I'm gonna kill me a Haitian," Umberto told them, oblivious to the fact that they weren't interested. "And then? And then I'm going to make love like a man. You know that, chica? Something like this."

Umberto then started tactlessly humping the air, and the brunette, fed up with his failed attempt at impression, grabbed a cup of coffee and abruptly threw it on his crotch.

"ARRRGH!" Umberto yelled in pain. The coffee the woman threw at him was still very hot.

"Loser!" the brunette told him, holding an 'L' sign above her forehead as she started to walk away.

"Prick," the Latina added, following her friend along.

"Hey, baby!" Umberto growled at the women, who were walking out of the café, refusing to look back. "I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole! Umberto Robina, he likes the ladies! Not some goat in a skirt!"

Tommy then arrived inside the café to meet up with Umberto. "Tommy!" Umberto called, walking up to him. He spread his arms to hug Tommy, only to get shoved back. "Tommy, I love you, I love you! Let's go!"

"Go where?" Tommy asked, keeping his hands in front to hold Umberto back. "Can't I get a cup of coffee first?"

"No time for coffee!" Umberto replied. "Besides, I just had one."

He showed Tommy the damp crotch of his pants, which was still stained with the coffee.

"Oh," Tommy replied dryly.

"We gonna take out the Haitians," Umberto declared. "Tommy, how do you take out a snake?"

Tommy just twisted his face and shrugged. "You bite him in the ass!" Umberto answered, laughing loudly.

"Whatever you say, Umberto," Tommy muttered, not in the mood with the Cuban-American's jokes.

"Tommy, you go and get us a little Haitian car," Umberto ordered him. "When you get it, come back and pick up my boy, Pepe, and take him out to the Haitians. Then, you go around to the Haitians processing plant, and you use their solvent as an explosive. Boom! Bye bye!"

So Tommy started to exit the café. But not before turning back to face Umberto.

"Umberto," Tommy called, "what about you?"

"Uhh... I'm going to stay behind, and watch over the café with Poppa," Umberto claimed, making excuses. "He not feeling so good. You know?"

Tommy just shook his head. This was the same guy who was obsessed with men with balls and accused Tommy for "being a woman", yet he never showed the guts to help his fellow Cubans out himself, which was rather ironic.

"The last thing I needed was this," Tommy muttered to himself. "Maybe the last thing I needed was an enema. But this comes close... "

Tommy made his way outside and met up with Pepe at the Voodoo.

"Oye, let's go find our muchachos!" Pepe declared.

So Tommy started the engine and started driving. he drove through the northern part of Little Havana.

"Man, this a nice part of town... " Pepe said, looking around the small town.

He turned on the radio and changed it to the Espantoso station, where the song "Picao y Tostao" by Mongo Santamaria was playing.