Dear Diary... *January 2015*

January 1st

12:01am
New beginning or the start of the end?

That's what I've been thinking about this New Year. Most people think about how they're going to finally go on that diet and join Weightwatchers or go to the gym more. They all think about their new resolutions, which are ultimately, all gonna fail. I started off like that. It was boxing day and I was thinking that in 2015 I was gonna finally try and be happy. However that changed when I sat down for lunch with my family. Somehow we were talking about New Years resolutions and my Mum ended up saying something along the lines of "there's no point in New Years resolutions, no one sticks to them." I admit it got me thinking for a while and in the end I had to agree with her. I had the same resolution last year and things got even worse so why try this year right? Well, that's the story of how I came to think of that.

I also feel like telling you that in a few days it will be the one year anniversary, if you want to call it that. I don't know the exact date but I believe it was on the second Thursday of January 2014. I know it was a Thursday because everything seemed to happen on a Thursday last year and it was defiantly during term time, so Thursday January 9th 2014 it is. So this year it will be a Friday. I guess I should confirm all of your guesses and tell you what I did huh? It just makes me feel sick when I talk about it and know that someone could read it. But that's what this is for so I will tell. Look at me now. I'm making such a big build that isn't need. Well, on January 9th 2014, I cut myself for the first time. I got an old shaving razor, broke it open, got the blade and left various cuts on my left wrist. I thought I could control the urges. Once would be enough but I guess I didn't realise I get addicted to things easily.
I've actually gone a month without cutting but now the feeling's coming back to me and I'm honest to God, scared to death. It will be interesting to see what happens this year.

I just realised this is as cheesy as fuck, all well. I'm still gonna write and post these cheesy thoughts.

I suppose I should be thankful that I made it through another year huh? Half of me is. Half of me belives that it shows I'm strong enough to of lasted anther 365 days. But the other half of me doesn't. That half of me just kinda wants to sleep forever. There's a civil war going on in my head and I can't escape it.

12:11am
Fireworks are going off outside and I feel so fucking lonely.

12:15am
I would like to scream please.

02:29am
I've been watching videos from supernatural conventions and actually feel alright at the moment.

10:42pm

So I can go through a day of feeling average but as soon as night falls my mind corrupts and all I can think about is my own destruction. Maybe I'm depressed maybe I'm just messed up but I spend my time watching videos of my heroes which either cheer me up massivly to the point where my mouth is hurting from smiling so much or I get down about the fact that to them I am just anoter fan but they are my world or I feel both.