The Hunger Games: Bad Beginnings

Chapter 13: Bittersweet Victory

THE train comes to a screeching halt, meaning we've arrived. Since I drove that knife through Venus' body, everything has been a blur. I may have ended her life, but the way people were talking to me, it seemed like mine was just beginning. My mind picks out bits and pieces of what I remember and the rest. . . just fades away. Although, there's one memory that won't fade, no matter how badly I want it to. It's the vision of one of my own arrows, buried deep in Olive's throat. After I was picked up from the arena, I broke down and cried for so many hours that I lost track of time. I haven't cried that much since my dad died. I even saw Haymitch tear up a little one morning. We were all sitting at breakfast the morning after the games. Effie had accidentally ordered a place to be set for Olive, just out of habit. After she realized, she didn't have the heart to clean it up, so we all just sat silently around Olive's chair, missing her.

But since that day, I haven't shed a tear. I don't think I have any more water left in me, even if I wanted to cry. I'm just numb.

I walk off the train and up onto the stage in front of District 12. They all seem so happy to see me, so happy to finally have a winner. But I don't feel like a winner. I lost way too much to win. I don't deserve to win.

Fortunately, this is the last stop on the victory tour. Now I can go home, lay in bed, and wash away. I don't feel motivated enough to do anything but sulk.

I stare blankly at the stage across from mine and find the one group of people I was hoping to avoid. Olive's family. Fake smiles are plastered across their faces, but I can see the pain in their eyes as they watch my every move. They know it's my fault their daughter is dead. I couldn't save her.

Her mother's face is sketched with new wrinkle lines, probably from stressing about her daughter. Her father is smiling but I can see the anger behind his façade. Her little brother and sister are smiling, too. They're happy to see me because they're too young to know where I actually went, but their parents are fully aware of what's happened. Even though Olive and I grew up together, and her parents have always looked after me, I know they would rather see their daughter standing on the stage than me, and I don't blame them. I give her siblings a soft smile with a wave, but my face quickly falls once I picture their faces overwhelmed with sadness when they realize their sister isn't coming home.

*   *   *

My mom, Katniss, Prim, and I stand outside the gates of the Victors' Village holding our suitcases. Effie and Haymitch stand beside us, and there are cameras at every angle. We've already moved into our new home, but the capitol still wants a good shot of us enjoying our new lives to bring the games to a close. Once they finish filming and finally leave us alone for the first time in hours, we go inside and Katniss and Prim are racing to the bedrooms to pick out which one they want. The sun is disappearing into the orange horizon and I'm ready to go to sleep. After this extremely long day, I can't wait for the covers of my new bed to consume me. I can't wait to shut my eyes and dream of a different place. A place where the Hunger Games isn't a thing and where I can go to school and hang out with my friends, instead of being stuck as a fulltime show pony for the Capitol. A place where Olive is alive and well. A place where no one close to me could ever get hurt. If only that place were reality.

*   *   *

The rumbling of the train is loud in my ears and the gears pull to a stop. I'm confused for a moment, before realizing that I'm on the victory tour. The doors slide open and the glaring sun beats down on my forehead. Haymitch leads me to the stage and I look out into the crowd. District 1. I stare at the mob of angry citizens. They've trained their children from the moment they could walk, so they aren't used to losing the games, especially to some nobody from poor District 12. My eyes trail to the pictures hanging above the families. To the right, a tall girl stands, aiming a spear at the camera. I remember seeing her in the games. She was the third wheel to Venus and Phoenix, but she was wicked with her spears. To the left, her partner stands with her hands on her hips, as her blonde waves bounce around with every shake of her head. She was clearly more focused on how tough she looked than how well she would do in the games.

District 10 was a quiet group. No one cheered, but no one booed like those in District 1. Across from me, one stage was packed with people. There were older relatives, probably grandparents, and dozens of children, all huddled around the adults. They all stood under the picture of a girl I recognized. I had seen her with the careers on the day we partnered up with Cedar. I never saw her again after that day, but something inside me wanted to know what happened to her. She had big doe eyes, and a small build. She stared at the camera head on, making her look even smaller, but the malicious grin on her face made her look somewhat evil. The blank expressions on the faces of her relatives suggested she wasn't the center of attention in her family, and they clearly had children to spare. When it was time to get back on the train, I took one last look at that girl, and hoped whatever she went through in the arena ended quickly and painlessly.

Finally, I reached District 11. I had been dreading the thought of seeing Cedar's face since the moment I left the arena. If it wasn't for her plan, I would have never made it home to my family. But it cost her the opportunity to go home to hers. I didn't even notice the tribute hanging next to Cedar. All I could focus on was Cedar's family. A woman, maybe in her late 50s, stood clutching to the shoulder of a young boy. He looked to be about Katniss' age, but he was built like an ox. He was strong, and tough, and his dark complexion matched that of Cedar's perfectly. On the other side of the old woman, stood a girl, just as tall as Cedar, but much younger. She was long, but had just as strong a build as her brother. The trio looked stoic and emotionless, but when I looked closer, I could see tears streaming down their cheeks. Only the boy moved to wipe his eyes, but the woman grabbed his hand and held it tight, as if to tell him to be strong. I wished I could switch places with Cedar in that moment, and had I been given the opportunity, I probably would have taken it. She deserved to win more than I did.

As I stepped off the train in District 2, Venus and Phoenix's pictures hung in the distance, with their family standing underneath them. I forgot they were twins.

My eyes fixate on Venus' picture, trying to push the vision of me killing her into the back of my mind. Her black hair hangs down around her diamond-shaped face and over her shoulders. Her skintight black shirt shows off her brawny body and large bust. Her arms are crossed underneath her breasts and she's facing sideways, towards the right, with her head turned towards the front, slightly tilted back and a warm smile is spread across her lips. I thought so badly of her during the games, but seeing this picture and seeing her smile. . . maybe she wasn't as bad as I thought. Suddenly, a wave of guilt washes over me. If I could go back, I would let her kill me instead. I think back to that different place that I wanted to dream of and I think of Venus in that place. She'd be alive and living out the rest of her life. She'd be living with her sister.

My eyes drift over to Phoenix's picture. She's in the same position as Venus, but instead, her body faces left. So the two of them are facing each other. Her brown hair is longer than Venus' and it's pulled into a tight braid at the bottom of her head. Her shirt is the same as Venus' but her bust is smaller and her build seems smaller than Venus' in general. She's less curvy and isn't as strong as Venus is. Although, when I look into her eyes, all I see is Venus. They have the same brown eyes, the same slim nose, and the same full lips. I look at the two of them and I can feel tears gathering in my eyes. I hope they're together. Wherever they are, I hope they're with each other.

I look down at their family and see a mother, father, and a little girl. She seems around Katniss' age and she looks a lot like Venus with her black hair and similar facial features. The only difference is, this girl has green eyes. A lot like Phoenix, her figure is slim and doesn't seem too strongly-built like Venus. Though she does have time to build herself up.

The little girl's facial expression isn't like her parents. Her mother is hysterically crying and her father looks angry, but he is still putting on a fake smile. The girl's green eyes shoot daggers at me and her crossed arms mimic the pictures of Venus and Phoenix. When her father catches me staring at her, he leans down and whispers something in her ear. The girl's face falls from the angry expression into a sad one. As I watch her, I'm reminded of Katniss. The hair, the eyes, the expression her face wears reminds me of how Katniss looks whenever I hurt her feelings. Then I realized what I did. I hurt this girl's feelings. I hurt more than her feelings. I took her sisters away from her. I probably broke her. I caused this girl more pain than anyone should feel at her age.