I won't be the villainess

Chapter 34 - the voices in her head

The carriage ride home was quiet. The two had arrived at the manor once more to pick up minor items and clothing that had been on them since their arrival. Everything else had been taken straight to the academy. After saying their goodbyes to the maids and butlers of the manor, they left to make their way to Ainsworth's Royal Academy.

Anastasia held a good relationship with the maids and butlers, many of whom she had spoken to as they had previously been working at the castle for Her Majesty of Kou. The others had become adapted to informal attitude and kind ways. On the way to the academy, she forced herself to put away her former thoughts from the trip back from the meeting with the Ainsworth royals.

However, it was difficult. Very difficult.

'It's okay. I'm strong.'

—————

She sat, quiet, in the carriage, unaware of anything around her. Her companion stayed quiet too, giving her the time to think that he thought she needed. Anastasia peered out of the window, eyes unfocused and mind elsewhere.

'It wasn't enough. Nothing I did was enough.'

Her hard work of six years- she had almost lost it all in mere minutes. What was it all for? She had worked so hard to gain the respect of those back in Kou, and she worked hard to make life enjoyable for everyone around her. She brought people from the slums to give work and homes and showed nobles and commoners that they could do the same- but why? Why weren't her actions acknowledged?

'I had six years to prove myself, and I couldn't do enough. I couldn't show the best of my abilities. I could've done better. I should've done better.'

Her eyes rounded to look at her hands.

'Y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ n̶o̶ d̶i̶f̶f̶e̶r̶e̶n̶t̶ t̶h̶a̶n̶ t̶h̶e̶ g̶a̶m̶e̶.'

Nails dug into her palms.

'I̶t̶'̶s̶ d̶i̶s̶a̶p̶p̶o̶i̶n̶t̶i̶n̶g̶. I'm disappointing. Y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ d̶i̶s̶a̶p̶p̶o̶i̶n̶t̶i̶n̶g̶. I have to work harder. Y̶o̶u̶ c̶a̶n̶'̶t̶ e̶v̶e̶r̶ s̶t̶o̶p̶. Y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ t̶h̶e̶ s̶a̶m̶e̶ a̶s̶ b̶e̶f̶o̶r̶r̶. J̶i̶e̶u̶n̶ t̶r̶i̶e̶d̶ t̶o̶ h̶e̶l̶p̶ y̶o̶u̶. Y̶o̶u̶ h̶a̶v̶e̶ t̶o̶ d̶o̶ b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶. I̶t̶'̶s̶ n̶o̶t̶ e̶n̶o̶u̶g̶h̶.'

Blood drew as she began to scratch at the very palms that had once been callused and slightly rough. Why were they so soft? Wasn't that proof of her lacking?

'I̶t̶'̶s̶ n̶o̶t̶ e̶n̶o̶u̶g̶h̶. It's not enough. I̶t̶'̶s̶ n̶o̶t̶ e̶n̶o̶u̶g̶h̶. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enOUGH. IT'S NOT ENOUGH. IT'S NOT ENOU-'

A hand fell atop her knee, resting. She looked at the person it led to. Jamison say opposite to the left, not looking in her direction, but rather out the window. She put her hands down, wiping them against an inside pleat of her dress.

'Y̶o̶u̶'̶v̶e̶ d̶o̶n̶e̶ e̶n̶o̶u̶g̶h̶. D̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ y̶o̶u̶ d̶a̶r̶e̶ w̶o̶r̶r̶y̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶ f̶u̶r̶t̶h̶e̶r̶. T̶h̶e̶y̶ d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ h̶a̶v̶e̶ t̶i̶m̶e̶ t̶o̶ w̶a̶s̶t̶e̶ o̶n̶ y̶o̶u̶.'

'...okay.'

She took a few deep breathes, closing her eyes and resting her head on the side of the carriage.

—————

That was the first appearance of the voices, and they didn't seem to leave after that. She didn't know who they was. Was it herself? Was it the game's Antoinette? Was it her punishment for attempting to change her fate? She didn't know.

Whenever she felt down or worthless, they would appear again. From that one conversation, Anastasia had learnt something. Whether what she had learnt was true or false, right or wrong, that was what she believed:

When the thoughts tell you to do something, you do it. The thoughts are always right.

There is no room for argument.

Not here.

Not anywhere.

———————————————————————

Don't forget guys she woke up with a different set of memories the body of a character set to die in a variety of cruel ways :) i don't think it would be a simple case of 'I'm a new person now they can't kill me✌🏽' but don't worry she'll get stronger❤️

AnYwAy 2 friends found my account and promised not to tell anyone but I swear if anyone else finds out I'm just going to move to another account and maybe repost or just have a fresh start :'(( I just find it weird that irls would be reading my work I guess- I honestly don't have much confidence in the first place and it would just have me scared to post,, but that 100% doesn't seem to be the case right now so please don't worry!!

aND (sorry there's so much to say) thank you for the wishes for my grandma- she is okay! She's been staying at our house for a bit to make sure nothing happens but the nurse has confirmed that with rest and medication she'll be fine!!

aND thank you for 30k+ views💞 I hope everyone's days are going okay right now! I believe I have one more week of school after this before my summer holiday starts!! However I have chemistry and maths tests tomorrow that I am NOT prepared for :(

How did everyone else do today?

-Mathu x